It took me a solid light-year to get out of bed this morning.
I'm experiencing this ever-growing fatigue, most likely from the high energy required at work. And also an enigmatic foot pain that is keeping me from running. But I know better than to run on an injury because last time I ignored a running pain, I ended up being wheeled to a van on a makeshift gurney that was really an office chair, wincing every time we hit a pebble, and then being carried into the emergency room leaving claw marks on a guy's neck. Lots of tears were involved. Lesson was learned.
So anyway, my energy has been continually depleting. I spent one night this week in a hot bath, reading the entire book of Leadership & Self-Deception. The next evening, I sat as still as possible at the kitchen table, with all the lights off, listening to one hundred TED talks on my phone. Then I willed myself out of the house to a homemade dinner party with some girlfriends from college.
And ultimately, this morning, in the pre-sunrise morning darkness of my bedroom, caring about nothing more than snuggling with my warm blankets for the rest of my life. While worldy problems - like needing to pee - worked hard to convince me otherwise. Oh, and also, the weekend snowboarding trip I had planned with my brother and his wife.
Well, coincidentally, my cousin Lisa texted me with her same desire to also be an all-day-bed-inhabitor. Sometimes fatigue and sadness are intertwined, so we talked through her world until she felt better. I told her that I appreciate her honesty about the hard, as well as the good, and she said something that really touched me - "the thing I love about you is that you are so SAFE. I know that you will take the effort to truly understand what I am feeling and thinking. You are one of the very best listeners I know. And you are so talented at seeing the best."
To which I replied - People just don't know what to do with melancholy feelings. I say, welcome them! Rest there for awhile; it's okay. I'm all about welcoming emotions as they come - not being afraid or suppressive of them. Though, I choose to still have positive actions until whatever is weaving through my insides - fatigue or winter dreariness - is done processing.
So, I got myself out of bed by deciding to make another book! Which is really something of a journal. If you are ever on a trivia game on public television that asks "Who Has The Most Journals in the World", you could put my name down. Not that anyone would know who I am.
Anyway, this book is called Dare to Be More. Next to my collection of:
A River Runs Through It
One Day Stronger
Full Hearts Can't Fail
Still the Sun
Still the Sun
& plenty of church journals
This book is going to be my place of inspiring people. Including traits from specific people that I admire and all the people that empower me and invoke me to become more. And also all the "dares" I give myself. Something bold I tell myself to do. A challenge. Dare to be more.
The first page is complete. And the next 8 pages will be all about Mama and Leslie.
Off to go load up my snow gear.
Upward and onward,