The ache is meant to be walked with

02 March 2014




I wish it were a prerequisite that every human go through a heart break.

I do not make that statement as a way to say "If I have to go through this, then so must everyone else."  Not that my pain is transferable when others do fall into this ache.  Unfortunately, pain is limitless so it is capable of further presence, regardless of how much hurt already exists in the world.  But it's like my soul was stunned years ago, and it just won't grow back.  Being plundered in the most intimate way.  DeceivedGosh it shredded me.

But this is good, perhaps.  When I work really hard to see it that way.  This sort of heart ache pushes a person into their most raw, vulnerable state, really questioning the world, loosening the grip on former safe-holds, and selectively choosing where to re-enter.  And I think that is a beautiful and beguiling process for an individual. 

But, in that process, I'm aggravated.  I feel that an increasing number of heart breaks are caused by one person failing on the commitment.  And the patterns, oh the patterns!!   apathy.  retreat.  emotional closure.  And then betrayal.  justification. a loss of control.  a loss of effort.  a loss of integrity.  so they blame.  and blame and blame.  covering their lying little faces.  It's absolutely senseless.  And downright infuriating and wrenching. 

And, it seems that those who end up betraying relationships are reading the same books, because they all keep saying the same things to pardon themselves - "I just don't love you anymore."  "I'm only human."  "It's just too much work."  What way to get relationship exoneration!  Escape clauses to be excused from any guilt or accountability, shifting the responsibility card to the other person for not being more for them.  Here, I'm handing the responsibility card right back for your own lack of effort to see my beauty.  And also, here are the rest of my muffins, because I'm done trying to out-eat the speed at which you're offering an acquittal.

But really?  Am I so radical to still hold my ground on commitments?  Once I watched a YouTube rapper share his similar beliefs on that matter, and I wanted to open my windows and shout that someone else in the world agreed with me! 


I mean, if marriage isn't a commitment, then what's the point of the vows we say?
"'Til death do us part" really means "Until the feelings go away"
Like, I'll stay with him, but only until it gets tough and my love shifts
But I say imagine if a parent took that perspective with their kids
Like can't you see it? The minute the kid spills something on the floor
The mom's saying, "Forget it, I don't even love you anymore"
No, it's just like marriage, to last you need the strength from above
Because it's not love that sustains the promise, it's the promise that sustains the love

Yes.  Cheers to loyalty and long-lasting effort, investment, resolve, and dedication.  Love has never been defined as the person who makes us the most happy, shining our happiness as the success factor.  Love is about the augmentation of your finest and most benevolent actions to care for another, it's a pathway for you to nobilize.  Not a handout card.  Changing the success factor to be one's own consistency in the ability to stay true to another.  To throw a cloak of charity over the other person and protect them from the harshness of the world, aiding in their restoration.  It's a responsibility, not a reward.  It's our own atonement for another person.

And now look how cheap my ex, The Unnamed, made it to be.  He thought he was a victor who deserved more.  HA!  He was a coward who understand so so much less.

But, I've learned that no matter how many windows I could throw open and shout what I believe, it won't revolutionize much of anything.  I'm not believing in principles that are beyond our understanding, and spouting them wouldn't suddenly cause him or the world to stop what they're doing, and start frantically nodding their heads, as if they've just come to an understanding finally about what love means, and then we all act exactly so devoutly to one another, and then love becomes globally consecrated, and now we are finally all safe to give our hearts to one another.  Nah.  Instead I just lay face-first into my pillow and sometimes spout my beliefs there.


You may have gathered - it just downright hurts tonight.


"…I care, I care."  
 



Upward and onward,




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