I come home from work after a full 10 hour day. I throw my bags on the bed and strip off my skirt and blouse in 2 seconds flat. Ah, welcome leggings and T-shirt. I’ll probably pick up my laptop in a bit to do more work, as I’ve recently been doing in the evenings to get more done. Wish there was more time in a day.
But for now, I sit down in front of my dresser, lean my head against the wood, and just let my heart beat happy.
I just received an email from my roommate Kersti. She had finished catching up on my blog, while sitting through a boring class on Greeks and psychology. Or something. So she wrote me an email thanking me for all that I am, all that I strive to be, how much I deeply care, and my devotion to God. She praised me for my authenticity and cheerfulness, and my ability to live without a care of what anyone else thinks. She also spoke of me being so innocent and unsullied by life, yet full of wisdom and maturity, despite all the reasons I have to be hurt and hardened. I was so incredibly touched!
Her perception of me is so striking because much of that is what I have consciously chosen to be, unaware of whether it was evident or not, and not really needing it to be. Just as long as I know that I am choosing to make my days as bright as I can, especially when I wake up feeling the contrary. Because, I have decided that life is about CHOOSING happiness. Sometimes that’s all you can do. And so much light can be discerned from that simple choice.
Today, I feel like being vulnerable and sharing why.
The truth is, the last couple weeks I have had stark moments feeling downright discouraged. Maybe that stems from me turning 26. Maybe that stems from a lot of job stress and hours on the road. But either way, my life hasn't failed to deliver in the way of heartbreak, having the rug of stability pulled out from under me, and some sizable bruises on my butt. Yet, I still support all my friends who's lives are headed in much different directions - some who have and some who haven't gone through such heartache, some already on their third child, some with their own homes and fenced yards. But then I sit alone after work at Liberty Park, when I have to take overnight trips for meetings, and I eat my dinner from a takeout box, watching Netflix on my phone, with no one to go home to or really care how my day was. How can that not all come down to affect me at some point?
So on the days when the loneliness settles in so thick that I can’t see beyond the smog, I feel my Father in Heaven send out hand to reach through the darkness and help pull me forward. Like Becky T. playing a game with me called Mid-Week Vent. And Leslie letting me roam free in her Amazon account and order a new curling iron. And Kersti and Julie and Cici who sing with me in the kitchen and keep me giggling when life feels too heavy to bear alone. And every member of my family one-by-one mailing me a birthday card. And coworkers, friends, neighbors, and SO many people from my ward family who genuinely care and call and seek out my company. I feel so much love from the people around me, probably far above and beyond what I deserve.
So greater question, how could all that not be a testament that God is my greatest ally in my quest for happiness? No matter all the days where happiness doesn’t feel so readily handed over, I will always choose to be anyways.
I have no doubt that ALL our Sundays will come. Even if it takes awhile to get here and doesn't always feel easy. But there is too much beauty in this world for any head to be down. And the law of attraction is all true, so chins up and dreams in the air! We'll just keep choosing and believing. I didn't create a "Dancing in the Kitchen" Pandora station for nothing!
Upward and onward,