Another break from the African tales.
Well, as it turns out, answering 300 work emails is not near as fulfilling as teaching 100 students in Africa the grand importance of education and hard work and then watching their eyes light up with inspiration. (story coming soon)
But, who is or isn't to say that this week I didn't write in white text at the bottom of some emails - "your meaningless question is murdering all of my dreams because I haven't seen an exotic animal in five days because I'm stuck behind this computer helping YOU. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!"
Well, an unsatisfied brooding attitude lasted me until Tuesday. Paired with several choked up vox messages to Kelli and Jo. And then I decided to try and re-figure this whole "fulfillment" thing, because truth be told, I'm feeling so empty just going to work everyday. Which I finally explained perfectly in a conversation with Mace.
It's like love. Once you experience love, a hormone is released in your brain that causes you to forever and always long for that again. All the while, your brain is aware of a degree of loneliness and unfufillment that wasn't there before. Ended love leaves a hole.
Well, same with travel/humanitarian. I come home and feel like I lost all the important pieces of myself, as these trips tap into the very core of my desires for discovery and compassion. And now I feel like I'm back to clicking buttons on a screen that lead to nothing of matter and reconciling feelings of guilt for not doing more. Ended purpose also leaves a hole.
The paradox of having higher experiences, right? But, by choosing to find joy in other places, the holes are filled.
So this week I worked hard on recalibrating with things that make me happy. Which look like -
feeling my smarts and drive ignited again with projects at work,
finding an empty dance studio to go hard in after work,
reading a book Josh bought me - A Million Miles in a Thousand Years,
reconnecting with many friends,
and dinner at Mace's last night where we talked out all of life for 7.5 hours.
And now, I'm feeling a lot better. I appreciate the meaning of what was, but I'm also aware of the happiness in what is. And I very much like ALL of it.
However, if you add dinnertime + 7.5 hours, it equals an ungodly hour far into the morning. Throw on a full day of meetings in Salt Lake today. And a triathlon tomorrow morning - which I signed up for four days ago and have done exactly ZERO amount of training and don't have a clue what I'm doing - so, off to carb load at Olive Garden with my new African-travel friends, and then, as Mace so accurately portrays:
Upward and onward,
“Jobs fill your pocket. Adventures fill your soul.”
|—||Jaime Lyn Beatty|
Dancing away my travel nostalgia. Walked away an hour later in the most satisfied sweat.