I had my first mountain biking experience this week.
Not to be confused with bountain miking, which I keep saying. Which also sounds very fun, and I need to figure out what that is so I can do it.
Actually, I think I'm being increasingly overtaken by a disease called Spoonerism Dyslexia. Though people with my problem probably call it Doonerism Spylexia. But the fact that people are still talking to me makes me think I'm okay for a little longer, as long as it doesn't mess up my face. Like one time, I was trying to tell a friend about my favorite childhood toy - a Barbie dolphin - but it came out barfin Dolbie. Which sounds like I'm obsessed with playing with a puking Harry Potter elf.
ANYWAY, so I went boutain miking with my barfin Dolbie.
And okay, I expected mountain biking to be a bit of a leg-burning activity. I mean, you're riding straight up a mountain. But what I didn't realize is that mountain bikes have brains. Which technically they really do, because my friend told me there's a "brain" piece in super nice mountain bikes. And I am absolutely certain that means that the bike could read my thoughts, so wherever I wanted to steer, the bike would make sure to go the opposite way. Which is why the bike tried to drive me off a cliff 48 times, and also hit every single rock on the entire mountain. And THEN, on the way back, as we were flying down the mountain, the bike ejected me right off the seat, and then flipped completely back-tire-over-front!
Which would have been way cooler if I had blood and gashes to prove it. Because I told Ryan that a scar is an adventurous Mormon tattoo, and I NEED MORE!! But the thing is, I somehow flew off and landed on my feet walking. Then I turned around and watched the bike flip straight towards me. Then it just fell over on the ground, and I quickly jumped back on shouting, "I KILLED THE BRAIN!" And then I started barreling down the mountain again to catch up to my friend.
He had pulled over on the side of a bridge, and when I pulled up to him frantically spewing my story everywhere, he patiently waited for me to finish and then nonchalantly said, "so, I was just riding so fast that a bat hit me in the face." WHAT?
And that ended that.
Upward and onward,