As long as you're not afraid to feel

11 August 2014

It's not what's in front of the curtain that really speaks to me, but what's going on behind.

I shared the upper-side of my weekend story here.  But want to know some of the underside?  Because isn't that the reality of human living?  We have our matte finish.  But then we have our soul.  And I'm certainly not afraid to feel the undercurrents of my deepest self.

Soooo, back to my weekend.  The Underside Tale.

Moving to Salt Lake. My soul has wanted this for a long, long time.  I guess I imagined a bigger city where the people on the street seem to have more acceptance between each other because life has been more real to them.  Because life has been pretty real to me too.  So, I need this.  Or at least believe in it.  I need to be in a community where every part of me is comfortable, because I still have low-burning embers from my betrayal and abandonment and it really hurts.

On Sunday, I sat down in the Sacrament Meeting pew with Julie and our girlfriend Amy.  I hadn't offered Heavenly Father any deeper information or sincere requests lately, well, except help me carry boxes twice my size and be somewhat useful while moving.  But apparently He knew the actual message I needed to hear, because suddenly it was flooding through me.  Love.  

The speaker girl talked about Jean Valjean in Les Mis and how he stole silver from a man, and the man covered for him and give him more silver.  And Heavenly Father loves us in quite the same way, by loving us through our weakness and giving us more.  And the best way to show someone you love them is to trust them.  And it went straight through me to the bone, and I felt Heavenly Father's immense love for me.  But sometimes, because of the trauma I have about fraudulent love, I don't know where to place such a Big Love, because that's the exact place that I was violated the deepest.  So I try to find a place for it inside myself, but instead I come across low-burning ashes that hurt too bad for me to move.

On a tearful ride home from church, I spewed to Julie about that time I was completely dehumanized by another person, and even with all my healing, it still stings so sharply sometimes.  And then my spew continued on about how so many people can justify dehumanizing others weakly standing in front of them.  And suddenly I was talking about the Jews, and the blacks, and women, and children, and all the horrible banishment in the world, "AND SOMEDAY THE BLACK-EYED PEAS WON'T BE AROUND TO SING WHERE IS THE LOVE!!"  But mostly it all stemmed from just feeling so personally heartbroken.

So I place God's love as a blanket over all of that.  I need to keep my vision with Him, trusting that all wrong will turn out right, and all hurt will heal to happiness.  Then I am motivated on working harder for my purpose here - sharing His Love. 

Soul, welcome to Salt Lake. 

"Deepen and broaden your awareness of yourself and all the blessings will flow. You need not seek anything, all will come to you most naturally and effortlessly."

Now I flip my life back to the upper-side.  Off to Provo to have a pizza party with my girls, clean my old house, and do my favorite half-marathon run in all of Provo!  MORE ADVENTURES! 

Upward and onward,



  1. I loved coming home from a run tonight and reading this. I've been thinking about these same things lately. I am learning to accept love and nurture a hopeful future with a man I care for so much, but it's been a rough journey, and we both have baggage and hurt from past relationships. But I am happy, even if it took time to get here, and even if that happiness is jumbled with worry and weakness.

    Also, have you read my blog today? Because I think there are some common themes in sisterhood and such ;)

    Let's get together soon! xo

  2. I have a question about this-

    "The best way to show someone you love them is to trust them."

    I know when you write it's usually just pouring out of you uninhibited and uncensored, so I don't want to over-analyze. But do you think that there are some people that we can and possibly even NEED to love without trusting?

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  6. @JoJo - I keep reposting my comments because I'm working through my thoughts as I go :)

    To answer your question - uninhibited and uncensored ;) - no, I do not believe there is ever someone that we NEED to love without trusting. I don't think it's WRONG to love someone but not trust them. But I do think it is a small love. I think the biggest love you can have is see someone's true worth and empower them with your trust. Back to the line - The best way to show someone you love them is to trust them. Yep, still stand by that belief :)

  7. hi, my name is kylie and i randomly found your blog today. thanks for writing this post - it's beautiful. i battle with getting overwhelmed with all the bad and sad there is out there that sometimes i'm just like HOW CAN WE ALL JUST LET THIS KEEP HAPPENING but then i remember that we don't have to do this alone no matter how hard it gets or how ugly it is out there. we must keep our hearts and our souls beautiful and i believe that you are doing exactly that. thanks for writing. i look forward to reading more from you.