My compass is steadying still

16 September 2014



can't sleep.  It's hard for me to speak the thoughts in my mind.  So, a midnight freewrite.




It was a break of trust in so many regards.  Extending beyond matters of time, shaking things of eternity.  Breaking the bound.  Ripping every foundation.  Taking all of myself.

No pain has ever matched.  Believe no pain ever will.




Hold to something, and feel what it's like to have it ripped clean free.  The tighter your grip, the deeper the cut, and you hold strong and endless.  But you have no control as it tears agonizingly down to the bone.  Rushing blood beyond the shock.  All grounding reframed.  Love and be hushed.  Fight and be left.  Believe and be shattered.  Inhale and you're nothing.  Stand in your belief of permanence and realize its all a lie.  No institution, no force, no promise - nothing holds.  You're as unsafe and unshielded as the day you were born.  And naked beyond just your body.  Your deepest level of soul.  Exposed.  Ignored.  Mocked.  And this time, you're more alone than alone you've ever known.  Exhale and you have nothing.

Come home and everything is dark.  empty.  Days go by.  No one is around to defend, set right, explain, sift.  Lost in nothing and drowning from it. 

So you pray.  But only to an idea.  Because if a force of Greater can still exist after all of that, well, you hold no skin in the bottom of the game if it turns out it doesn't.

Except Light shines.

It feels and speaks of Value.  On what matters. And that's you.

Put that light away.  that hurts worse.

If you matter, then something very bad has happened.  If you don't matter, then it just stays empty.  Empty is better than to feel.




But every time you test the Light, it comes.  And it's strong enough to be undeniable.  Messages are clear enough that you can't hide.  It really cares.  And says that it sees you.  And values you.  And wants you.  Eternal.  Bound.  Love.

God.

the care. The Permanence.  the peace.  The gears turn, the memories uproot, the new beliefs replace and reset.  So you set your life on Him.  The only Source ever found to reach your deepest self.  To know what no one else ever will, understand what no one else can.  He is present in all the fear.  And He never lets go.  For days, for months, for years.

So you stay with God, and He with you.  Human connection kept just below.  Because only He can fill the holes.  The fill of feeling that you are His.  Deliberately created as His indefinite being, beyond the sight of man, greater than the unbreatheable throbbing of wounds, embraced in a Love so overwhelmingly keeping.

Your compass steadies still.




Until,

He allows you to be in front of another person that offers the same light.  He feels and speaks of Value.  On what matters.  And that's you. 

And your mind shoots back.  Darkness.  Alone.  No.   No human can be there to know, to feel, to experience.  The isolation, the pain.  the blind sight of a human.  No safety.  Short of breath.  horror.  Cling to Him tighter.

God, don't leave me.  Don't go away.

He comforts you to loosen your grip.  You can feel such a Light here in this mortal realm with another, just as you can with Him.  Look, He says - Continuation.  Safety.  Permanence. 

Mind shoots back.  Abused.  Hushed.  Naked.  Alone. 

No, God, don't leave me.  Please don't go.

He reassures you He will stay by your side, but that you are okay to let Him keep one hand, while giving your other to another.  Two places of safety.  He says,  Two places that see your infinite value.

No.  put that light away.  that hurts worse.

If you matter, then something very bad happened to you once where you didn't.  Feel seen by one, remember distortion by another.  Feel heard by one, remember being silenced by another.  Be supported by one, remember disappearance by another.  By something being filled, then something must have been emptied.  Surfacing holes.  Punctures to the bone. 

But even with the memories, you step forward at the light anyway.  Something is here.  And it's strong enough to be undeniable.  Messages are clear enough that you can't hide.  the care. The Permanence.  the peace.  The gears turn, the memories uproot, the new beliefs replace and reset.

Permission inside your rumbling heart.  Intoxication piece-by-piece.
Feeling.  allowing. 
Consciously placing hold to the sight of a man.
Greater than.  Safer than.
Embraced in a love more keeping.


It’s a matter of time.
My compass will stand still.



Upward and onward,






 
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5 comments :

  1. I love the "two places of safety" because that is what God is doing! He doesn't leave you. He needs you to be here.

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  2. "needs me to be here." What a powerful thought! I really like the trust implied in that.

    Thanks Leslie - I love you!!

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  3. This is so beautiful. Such a testament to faith and healing.

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  4. almost cried at my desk... and these tears would've been FAR more legitimate than the ones I shed after ballet that one time... #awkward

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