Divorce. Heaven knows I hate it. And hate is so strong that the only other thing that could also be categorized there - millipedes. The two go hand in hand. One billion legs. One billion pieces to sift through and heal from.
And, well, I enjoy talking about my divorce as much as I enjoy stepping on piles of millipedes with my bare feet. I don't. There is a fine balance between allowing myself to move on and live beyond it, with more and more time as a cushion beneath that deep bruise. But then sometimes, I must sink deeply back into it and feel all those little legs crawl all over me, so I can let go of one more piece.
And ya know, three years down the road, and I see more and more the power of my journey. All that I know, all that I've processed, all that I have a voice for, all that I understand and share in regards to heart break, grief, betrayal, the submergence of human experience. Though I still sometimes find myself in Subway shops with weepy little tears, texting my mama about how much it gosh dang freaking hurts, and my only real option is to put on a black cloak and swear my life away to celibacy. And well, I don't want to do that. Because my hair is too pretty to be covered by a robe. And also, most importantly, I really really, really want to put my trust in a human man again and experience the depth of love and loyalty that I know exists.
And why is this all surfacing now? Because I'm dating a man who has really captivated me - I'll share about him soon enough. But walking down that path of romance means that even though I pick up and hold the hand of giddiness, a shadow always comes along too. I try to breathe in deeply, breathe out wholly. But really I just choke on the silt and ashes of the looming darkness, and the pain is so overtaking that I ditch the endeavor altogether and go back to shopping for my nun outfit. Just making sure I'd be the best looking nun while I sing on the hills with children dressed in drapes!!!!
But, it's time for me to stop running and let the pain of being close with someone, allowing the fear and incredibly deep anguish wash through me. to submerge. to feel. to be terrified. Then open my eyes and see the new security and honest heart before me. To regenerate my reality. To build trust. And feel safe.
And if there is one subject that cannot ever be generalized, well, we've found it. Even saying divorce is "painful" holds no relative truth. One walks away as unaware and numb as they walked in. And the other is jarred and traumatized for years to come. Some heal in a year. Some in decades. Some never heal at all. And general emotional intelligence is so far undertapped that people say the most inane things. Which is why I don't care to talk to people about it. Because I'm mostly like, oh your ideas about divorce are cute. LET ME MURDER A BUNNY ON MY WAY OUT! But fortunately, God pulls people into our lives who have breathed the same silt, and will help us unravel all the unanswerable questions, the unjust pains, and the lonely agony. Tears and black humor. Come one, come all. Very grateful for the perfectly timed entrance of my new divorced girlfriends into my life. Most of the time, people like us are warriorlike on our own. But sometimes, we go to our soft place, and it helps to have people who can go there with us.
So, some days am I overcome with God's ever-extending arm of mercy? yeah. and I'm flooded to the bone with love and forgiveness.
Most days do I just simply not care and feel liberated altogether? yeah. Proper healing for the win.
And on occasion, do I lay really still and let the remnants bleed through? ... yes.
I believe in healing. I believe life sprouts again. I believe God mends all to a greater level if you allow Him in the journey. And I believe laughing about it makes it easier to stomach.
Here's to the heroic efforts of holding the fire power of our lives and marching the torch forward. Also, fire power reminds me of that star on mario kart that gives you invincibility and rapid speed for four seconds. May ours last longer than that.
Upward and onward,
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection."
“We cannot selectively numb emotions, when we numb the painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.”