It's the Final Countdown.
One week left before I will FINALLY slow down my pace. For awhile.
I'm a bit unhinged right now, as I ended up sprawled out on Leslie's floor yesterday. And when her husband gently laid a white fleece blanket over the top of me, I yelled from underneath, "THIS IS WHAT A POLAR BEAR FEELS LIKE!!" Then I pulled the blanket off my face, "just assuming." Chris said, "Well when you find out for sure, would you let me know?"
And then Leslie kindly let me spew out how I was convinced the world was caving in. While we both wore our matching moccasin slippers. And then Julie texted me that she's hit a wall too, so I raced home so we could adventure ourselves out from under the weight of the world. But really I just ended up stealing all the cookies I could find and hiding them in the folds of my scarf, while wearing my moccasin slippers to church-attire events and shimmying out of a skirt while running through a parking lot in a rainstorm (leggings for the win). Then I pulled out my stolen scarf cookies at a ward party, so I could film a video with some friends, reiterating our church lesson on chastity and posting it to the ward facebook page:
Stop! Don't touch me there.
That is my NO-NO SQUARE!
We each had different sizes of no-no squares and mine covered my entire body and then a couple yards, because that's just how I feel right now. It's the final week of March Madness, and I feel the pressure! HOMEGIRL NEEDS A SCRATCH POST OR SOMETHING!
See, I'm a bit unhinged. My wild is more wild.
But also my heart is more soft. As I let my eyes water while reading Brooke's loving email yesterday at church, and again watering up through my Sunday School lesson where Kersti and I were actually asked to teach this time instead of just pretending to be the instructors for an hour, and again watering at how protective and encouraging and adoring my ward family is.
It's my final stretch and boy does it hurt. But the fight isn't over yet. Like I said at the beginning of the month: I don't know how to say "I tried." I only know how to say "I did." (See here)
When I drove Katie home from work last week, she told me that she's never known anyone in her life with my level of willpower.
And Mace said the same when I called him at the beginning of the month to tell him about this BIG PLAN I had. He said something about my determination being completely unmatched and that is why I'm such a fascination - no matter what, I just keep turning around and saying, "Alrighty. Here I go!" with unfailing enthusiasm.
Which I suppose is inspiring when I'm at the onset of all these challenges I choose for myself. Is it obvious yet that I am a little dare devil? Whatever my mom and dad say about their parental experience with me... well it's probably all true. Though they never had to duct tape clothes on my body like they did with Trevor, so at least I'm good there.
Anyway, the final stretch of my challenges don't always look so glorified. Right now I'm torn between puking and crying, because I don't have time for both. Dark eye circles. Drained body. Extra sleep demands. Continual job accelerations. Immense responsibilities. Brain overload. Hours upon hours of focus and dedication. And all this mental and physical weariness opens an awareness to sideline cynics and thoughtless idiots and wanting to stuff a whole lot of socks in people's mouths.
"I don't know what to do with critical people!" I vented to Leslie last night. "Haha, I know you don't."
But my heart will go on. Maybe I learned that from watching Kate Winslet on the back of a ship. But her heart only went on because she hogged that entire piece of wood in the ocean when CLEARLY there was room for two.
Though I can't joke about that because a month ago, I talked to my grandma for the FIRST time about my grandfather's passing years ago, and the song "My Heart Will Go On" started playing on a radio in her kitchen. Did I mention he died of a HEART ATTACK?? So I had to clamp down on my full bottom lip the entire time to keep the irony from escaping out in hard laughter. That just wouldn't be a situation to ever be redeemed from.
ANYWAY, (unhinged people can't focus very well)
Winners must have very hearty hearts. I don't believe they have any special powers that offer them an easier battle. They just take many moments for silent re-committment to brighten their flame, never letting the fight become stronger than the fighter.
So deep breath in, clench the jaw, narrow the gaze forward. And breathe out.
Gotta keep going strong for another week. And I should probably find a safer outlet than blaring Pink and tapping out my acceleration on the freeway.
Here's to you Leonardo Dicaprio. May I not sink to the bottom of the ocean on this one.
Upward and onward,
P.S. To my friends, thank you. Truly. Support is felt. And all the wins for my mama.
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