getting around to publishing a bunch of old posts. This one is from mid-December.
I want to write. But I can't seem to connect even two intelligible thoughts, let alone my experiences and thoughts on a whole year of work. It's been exhilarating, challenging, exhausting. But now, it's a fight to stay out of the apathy danger zone. I'm overstimulated. Defeated. Even scared. What if life is always this draining? I imagine 3 young children running into my bedroom right now with needs of their own. Nope, can't even handle that thought.
My days recently have looked like:
Come home and curl up on the couch.
"Want to go for a run?" Ryan asks.
"Play Just Dance?"
"Want to write?" "Listen to Serial?" "Cook?" Naming all the things I love.
No. I just want to eat this cookie.
And then I'd roll over on the couch, still not saying much, and continue feeling blank.
Ryan would validate me by saying how large organizations only see employees as a little puzzle piece. And that's the only space they want us to fill. Tough luck if our space is dissatisfactory, impossible, or below our capabilities. They place people in holes that need to be filled, and only I can speak for how stifling mine is.
Someday I'll regain energy.
Someday the thought of children won't add to my trauma.
Someday daylight won't disappear at 4pm.
Someday my little rain cloud will be last month's weather report.
Upward and onward,