For sure, when change disrupts the familiar, most of us feel unsettled. Then, just trying to get things back to normal is often our first impulse. However, there is a gift in using this period of unfamiliarity and transition. [some important man] called this time the "in-between-space." He described it as a meeting-ground of potentiality and authenticity. In this space, one finds the most authentic and creative aspects of our personal and communal existence. [texted to me from Sharla]
Yesterday, I called Nora and attempted to explain the tumult in my mind lately. And just as I kept making U-turns in my car as I drove, I kept making U-turns in my mind. Back and forth, back and forth. To form coherency from another's vascillating thoughts, Nora deserves all the blessings. So once she aligned me to my core self, we spoke about building my petition with God. And this week, I've been building, asking for the wagons of my intimates to circle around me and pray for me, while I dive down (also, flail to prevent drowning - but let's be forward-moving here).
Okay you guys, I'm praying for answers regarding marriage. It has been a hard road for me to get to this place with another person again. To put whole trust in them as an eternally committed and honest companion to me. So I am really digging for guidance and comfort.
A few days ago, I read in Mosiah about the mysteries of God - "that the mysteries of God may be unfolded unto you." Which is what I need right now. Well, mysteries is such a curious word. Denoting something difficult or impossible to explain. Something that can only be understood with an extreme stretch of the mind, if it is possible to be understood at all. So I dug into that. Because as turbid as life can be, how much more discouraging if God has set it up to be a rigorous clue-finding journey, where we must dig deeply enough, or search cleverly enough that we find that one, very specific brick to look underneath. Like Blue's Clues. Or The Secret Garden. BUT HORRIBLE.
Except, God's mysteries, from a quote by Boyd K. Packer, said basically these are very personal bits of knowledge that are freely given from God, if you offer your desire to Him. The quote furthered saying, "Sacred Secrets." ha! Like you and God are whispering to each other. Whispering: here are the qualms of my heart, and He whispers back: spspspspsp - those are whisper sounds - because His sacred secrets are decrypted in our ears only. What is revealed to you by God won't be understood by another ear. A truth that only you possess. For you. About you. Within you.
And that process of unfolding His secrets is so empowering (my favorite word!). So much more gentle. Less of a rabid search, and more of a deliverance. Not a forbearance and exhaustion, but a steady yielding and asking, and then a full receival.
So I am turning to Him now in complete confidence, tuning my eyes and ears and heart to the Lord. And I read, listen, and write; read, listen, and write. Every day in the morning and again in the evening. As it says in 3rd Nephi - "thine eye be single."
And yesterday, after leaving Sharla's house, after receiving the most specific blessing from her husband, specific places I should read in the scriptures, specific other places I should look into, and very specific comfort and guidance that I will receive, I went home and read the entire book of 3rd Nephi. I read of Christ's ministry, writing down little phrases that reached me, full verses that were entirely for me, drew lines to correct new thoughts to former thoughts, drew pictures, filled the margin with undertones of personal understanding about my own life - my sacred secrets. And this morning, as I laid on my floor and again engaged with the Lord - just as last night's blessing promised, the Spirit filled me, and my comfort was so wonderful. Unable to fully contain all these miracles I'm experiencing, I contacted Rachel and shared one very powerful one with her that I had as my grandpa and I spoke last night. Rachel and I revered in it together. And then as I drove to work, a very, very specific truth came to my mind about my life that I wrote down and am clinging to.
So I conclude, when such things of mortality are approached with only our abilities and thoughts, we are ill-equipped. But when we begin whispering with the Lord in our quiet places, exchanging sacred secrets with Him - spspspspspsp - His truth and His power and His Spirit is abundant! There is SO much encompassing truth and joy in my heart about Christ, for Christ, within Christ. Miracles of my life that I now see. Astounding faith in my heart. Truth that has come to me in this last week that is giving me incredible strength.
Do men light a candle and put it under a bushel? Nay, but on a candlestick!
And though I'm still seeking sacred secrets, I wanted to write a piece of my testament today that the process of revelation through the Gospel, just as the Lord promised, is working for me.
The light of the body is the eye; if, therefore, thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.
Upward and onward,
And for a more secular approach to this same Search for Truth (and also amazing comedy), listen here. (From my roommate Mary to me - love!) Comedians always deliver it best.