And also, on the front of all my bridal stir, other happenings abound. Ahem,
I quit my job.
And to immediately sooth the corresponding nauseous nerves from doing so, I drove downtown and got a pap smear. Because when life suddenly becomes unstrung, make sure you don't have cervical cancer. And I don't. So after THAT was squared away, great, now life, what do I do?
Well, I could share what demotivated me enough to make the choice to quit, OR I could share what switched in my brain and emboldened me to make the choice to quit. Sometimes reaching such a place of discouragement allows for the boldest decisions.
So I'll tell my work tale as simply put as I can: despite that working my way up in corporate ranks until I was a financial analyst for a sleek company was always my dream!!! Seriously, being the right-hand woman for the President of a business saying, yes you are making money, or no you are not and I can tell you why - feels AWESOME! And that was my life. Except.... well, turns out.. BOSSES. Seriously, nothing is more demotivating to me than plunking away at a keyboard underneath an authority that I don't respect. Due to incompetence, lack of communication, micro managing, etc. For all my gumption and passion at this job, I was so very stifled. I could only work to the level of my superior, which was a very poor level and reflected insufficiency and absurdity onto both of us. Which greatly demotivated me because it wasn't me. I did my best anyways, but my wits were sizzled gone. And finally, I had a heart-to-heart with my superior, expressing the extreme dissatisfaction I felt and the complete lack of communication and processes that I felt were needed for our team. Which severely infiltrate my ability to perform, and how am I to overcome the severe difficulty of this situation when I hold no power to improve the communication or processes or proficiency. And then I walked across the building, stepped into The President's office, and slid the door shut behind me to privately make a case for serious high-up assistance. And that President man is very, very intimidating, but he turned out to be so genuinely validating and kind and agreeable with me, feeling similar to me on many points.
So after some attempted improvements from both of these men over the next month or so, when my resignation notice slid across their desks, it couldn't be denied that they both didn't see it coming. And then basically everyone in the whole company whispered into my ear as their goodbyes were given, "Good for you in getting out of that position." So, yes that job was great, but at the same time, nope it also was not.
But, that resignation was far from a mark of my defeat. Though it felt that way coming to it. But something switched in my brain as I got closer to that choice, and that resignation became my sign to the universe of my commitment. I am burning my boats. Which is what Fernando Cortez told his crew when they reached the Americas. "Get off our ships and simply look for treasure? Keep this place of safety for us to run back to when times are rough? Ha, NO! We are going to make this happen or die trying. There is no other option. So, burn the boats." Which really weights the outcome towards success. That was the level of commitment to his courageous journey and that was decidedly mine as well.
And so, my career, as I always wanted it to be, was gone, and what does this Idealist Brunette always do? Keep chasing the dream. I know the feeling of a job so fulfilling and satisfying and empowering that motivation and joy abounds! I've had that. The free-flow every day! And I know how miserable day-to-day life becomes just trudging through a really crappy situation. I've had that too (Note: all this last year!!) And well, I have enough courage, and also anxiety, to keep hunting until I find the former.
I will start my own business.
And now I'm on my 2nd week of being an independent little lady, who stands in her kitchen at 9 am and drinks milk from the jug, because who needs to be where and when - NOT ME!! (Though in actuality, I'm starting with a working partnership with another company so I do have accountability of many sorts, but still SO much more freedom). And I'm getting more traction under me by the day, gathering some clients, building my confidence - because dang, I am GOOD at being a CPA. I'm LOVING this life! Today I had my first client referral because I did such good work for one lady she immediately called her mom who called me an hour later and wanted to hire me. This is so much fun and SO fulfilling! I mean, it definitely started off with a Monday-morning, sit-straight-up-in-bed, immediately put my hands on either side of my face, and scream internally "WHAT IN THE FREAK DID I DO?????" And then a complete break-down accompanied with a blessing, and then Ryan saying, "um, are you okay? What just happened?" And I'm all, "oh, meet Franx, also known as Freaking Anxiety."
But as I keep gaining momentum, I know I've reached that place of fulfillment I've long desired. And last night, when I called Ryan on my way home from work, he told me how proud of me he was. Later he texted and said, "I knew you were going to be a good entrepreneur, but I am seriously blown away at just how good you actually are." Let's all start frantically knocking on every wooden fixture around us.
And also let this note stand: trying to start a business AND plan a wedding at the same time.. HAHAHA. That's all I have to say about that. But I am doing both, so there, done. I am truly marrying my match. A guy who loves Excel as much as I do and knows how to get. stuff. done.
Upward and onward,