My respect for Ryan

30 August 2015

Ryan came home from hunting today.  Walked in the door in full camo, carrying a big cooler of deer meat from the buck he shot last night.  He looked ssoooooo good.  I felt so twitterpated because I hadn't seen him in a few days and in he walks, looking SO manly.  I followed him around right at his heels.

As we worked together to put away the deer meat, then went outside to get the deer head and letting a neighbor throw mad respect at Ryan for how talented he is with a bow, we then came back inside to prepare dinner and have a meal together.  I loved looking to the right and seeing Ryan's bow and other hunting stuff scattered around, and I loved looking to the left and seeing my scrapbooking and journaling materials scattered around - our apartment was also SUPER organized from all the cleaning out and hours of work I did putting everything away.  As Ryan told me all about his hunting experience, I thought about how we are both so good at what we love.  And I really like that.  I'm REALLY good at organizing and journaling.  He's REALLY good at hunting and fishing.

As we ate, I loved hearing about how hunting fulfills Ryan and how he hold such respect for the animals he's hunting.  He knows all about them and is so fascinated by them.  His favorite animal being an elk.

Then I started thinking about how I love his competencies.  I truly feel so much respect for Ryan because of the security I feel with him.  I trust his intellect and ability to convert that into an income to provide.  I love how he has such strong hobbies and his passions.  I trust his love and consistent support, and I trust that he'll always be there for me and never disappear in mind or emotion.  I just trust him and feel so secure with him.


A newlywed just digging through new and old belongings

28 August 2015

Work was really light for me this week.  This new career step for me involves so much cold calling and networking. And while valuable investments, the work supply won't be offered for some time. So I spent time at home in my other role as domestic creator. And that namely meant digging through all of Ryan's belongings and organizing everything. I am a supreme organizer. Always have been. Please see any one of my long time friends as a reference, namely Joelle or Emily....The best thing I found of Ryan's.... A film camera!  Win.  Evidence that I am married to another child of the 90's. (Okay, well I was a child, Ryan was a pre-teen).

Aside from organizing, I've had such an incredible day scrapbooking. Read so many old journal entries about my relationships, and the disappointments, and why they just weren't working, and what I'd really really really wanted in a man. And sometimes I just just straight up read a post about what I wanted in a fantasy man. And every single time, it matched Ryan exactly. Everything I hoped and dreamed for in all of my ended relationships, Ryan has that missing quality. I miss him. He's out hunting tonight.

Basically I'm just digging through all his new things to me and all my old things to me.

Upward and onward,

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Mind over matter

27 August 2015

Back from our honeymoon!

Oh MAN.  The joy, happiness, liberty, and union I felt the entire week of our honeymoon is beyond a sustainable amount here on Earth.  But no doubt, last week is a short comparison to the insurmountable emotions and joys in the afterlife, and I hold tightly to that foreshadowing of an eternity with Ryan.  Indeed, he is the finest choice I have made so far in this life.  I am so proud to have him as my husband.  And ya know, I am proud of myself for knowing exactly where I excel as an individual, and where I step forward a little slower, and then using that self-awareness in dating to find someone who so masterfully expands my strengths and fills in the gaps of my follies.  Ryan.  Ahhhhhh.

I have been back in the swing of life now for four days.   Our flight landed late Sunday evening, and early Monday morning, Ryan and I hit the ground running.  Back to the responsibilities of everything we dropped as we held our wedding celebrations and then flew out of the country.  But okay, anxiety - it's a REAL thing for me.  A very real thing.  And so much happening for me this year - job changes and wedding and moving, Jamaica was such a perfect pause from it all!  And then, I come home and reality is like, "oh goodie!  You're back!"

The transition of being with Ryan in a paradise setting nonstop everyday and then back to office work.  Boo.  But also, a hand-delivered stack of disappointments arrived for me.  Which I try to play all victimy that life is purposefully stacking all these things together for me at once to save on postage, but really, everything is just feeling bigger in my brain than it really is.  Anxiety.  It's been a high-performance couple of months for me, not to mention a high-level year, so my mental and emotional resilience is quite diminished right now. 
For one, I had secured a contract with a fairly large client right before our honeymoon.  I was SUPER proud of myself.  Then when I came home, the terms of the contract were stated, and I felt stiffed.  Ultimately deciding that my unencumbered time had greater potential for earnings than being locked in with this client at a rate that I felt set precedent below what I am shooting for with my business.  I held my ground when talking to the participants of the negotiation about this.  Then went home and spilled the whole tale to Ryan, crying a little bit as I wondered if I did the right thing.  Ryan's Herculean response:  wrapped his arms all the way around me and said, "It really turns me on to see how much self-respect you have.  I LOVE that you value your time as much as you do.  I am so so proud of you."  Then he reminded me of a piece of advice I received from a counselor in my single's ward bishopric when I met with him about my new career pathway.  He told me, which Ryan reminded me of, that I always need to value my time.  I don't need to take scrap work that people offer me.  I can be as choosy as I want to pair with clients with a mutual value.  Ah.  Yes.  Now I see why he said that.  Because it's a tough spot to be to say, "Excuse me, you're minimizing my space.  Step back please.  I deserve more room than this."  And the outcome of it all is still pending, but most likely I won't be signing the contract.

And second, false pretenses do not fly with me.  Pretending to be a genuine comrade when some other motive is really on the table.  Oh, that really really receives my unwelcome.  So I halted that energy to say it won't find attachment with me and wished it well in another direction.  But still it stings to believe so strongly in integrity and be reminded that it's not always there.

So, all this space protection while I'm in transition.  Pushing people back.  Keeping my space open and safe.  It feels overly exhausting with my withered energy.  Though I hold tight to something Hannah once told me, after an email request for advice on assertiveness.  She told me it is okay to retrace your boundary lines in a bright red marker in someone's face.  People are well-intentioned, but they will step over your lines all the time, and Hannah said there is nothing wrong with making them bolder and darker.   I just want to be with Ryan all the time where there are no boundary lines.... So, I spent yesterday by myself, locked away from all of it.  I told Katie that I was trying to ship over some palm trees from Jamaica.  But instead, Devin shipped me a king-sized down comforter as a wedding gift, so I wrapped up in that wearing an oversized T-shirt and ate chocolate popsicles.  It was a comparable experience.

So, I'm easing the transition home with some higher actions.  On an early, sleepless morning this week - where Leslie and I texted to feel joy over the days we used to live together, and on my sleepless mornings, I used to crawl in her bed, curl up like a cat, and fall right back asleep - though, due to both of our decisions to get some husbands, we forsook those days - but I left my sleeping husband in the 6 am soft light, and I meandered out to the couch, deciding to read my scriptures by sunrise.  I've been in mid-beginning Alma lately.  And okay, King Ishmael was a real stick in the mud.  The character you want to push off his horse.  But of all the characters, his turnaround to the Gospel is in my top three.  If you want to read: 

"And it came to pass that after Aaron had expounded these things unto him, the king said: What shall I do that I may have this eternal life of which thou hast spoken? Yea, what shall I do that I may be born of God, having this wicked spirit rooted out of my breast, and receive his Spirit, that I may be filled with joy, that I may not be cast off at the last day? Behold, said he, I will give up all that I possess, yea, I will forsake my kingdom, that I may receive this great joy.  (Alma 22:15).  

I've been re-reading his humility for three days.  And that turned into a bright moment where I welded my testimony stronger regarding the benefits of scripture reading despite having a tight and overwhelmed mind.  I can speak to how reading the scriptures broadens your mind and disappointments strain right out the bottom.  I love the Gospel for offering me a bigger mind above all of that.  And also, I love Katie's advice that if I buy a green house, I can ship over some palm trees.

Here's to the beautiful, full-wheel of life.

"I’d rather look back at my life and know that I was brave instead of calculated."

Upward and onward,

The flight home from Jamaica :)

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Jamaican Honeymooners

24 August 2015

Ryan and I honeymooned in Jamaica.

We really enjoyed our time together for the week.  It was so relaxing, fun, and connecting.  We flew out the day after our wedding, after staying the night at Home 2 Suites, one of Ryan's marketing clients, and a location that is dear to our hearts because we may or may not have snuck into their hot tub and pool while we were dating.

Here are two posts that I wrote while on our honeymoon- here and here.

While in Jamaica, we spent most of our time lounging at the beach, by the pool, or sitting in one of the buffets and sampling ALL the food.  Our favorite duplicitous item being the classic Jamaican Jerk Chicken.  Other than Bob Marley and Cool Runnings, Jerk Chicken is how Jamaica makes itself known.  Allow Ryan to demonstrate for you:

So beyond the food, I really loved the poolside entertainment.  It was a group of young adults who would dance.  i LOVE WATCHING DANCING!!  That was my first time seeing the nae-nae, and I thought it was a Jamaican thing until I came back to the states and Americans were in on it too!  I also loved when the entertainment would make the kids do these little games - SO cute!  Ryan and I would swim up to the bar and get coconut cream banana shakes and watch this spectacle every day.

Other honeymoon highlights:

Walking around the resort with Ryan.  It was so so gorgeous.  We talk about anything and everything.  Love conversations with Ryan because they spark my intellect, and I LOVE that feeling of intelligence.  I tell Ryan that I love the idea of always being with him because I love his mind.  I find him so intellectually stimulating.  The way he thinks, how thorough he is in his thoughts. how he presents them.  He's so interesting to talk to, and I trust his mind and love asking his advice, having him talk through things with me.  He always helps plant me back to reality and understand things better.

Sitting on the bed, talking just like two best friends. Ryan gets up to use the bathroom and points back at me - "you're so gorgeous." I'm in sweats with little makeup and braided hair. "Really baby?" And he comes up behind me at the edge of the bed and wraps his arms around my neck and shoulders. We stay like that for awhile talking some more.
Coming back from dinner and we are commenting on how neither of us can remember our small offenses or what we've apologized about in the past. We laugh about what easy forgivers and forgetters we are.

Love learning new things about Ryan. He loves deviled eggs. Loves waking up with really long hot showers.  He'd rather sit down in a hot shower to wake up then press snooze.

Loved looking through my IG one night and talking about when we were very first getting to know each other.  It's so fun to remember those shy little crushes.

Ryan tells me how comfortable he is with me. He tells me it is because of how accepting and loving I am and that makes me feel really good.

Going to the gym most every morning together.  My favorite way to wake up, and I loved having Ryan in there with me!

Getting a couples massage - amazing! Holding hands in our white robes, following the lady down the dark hallways.  Then later going back to the spa to take advantage of the huge hot tub.  They had several pools of water in varying degrees, so we did a "polar plunge" twice - dunking ourselves in the FREEZING pool, and then running for the moderately warm one.  This old guy was laughing at us.

Going on an excursion the last day.  Doing the popular Dunns River Falls hike and then going to a dolphin resort.  Holding the sting rays, walking right by the sharks, and playing with a dolphin.  SO fun!  Loved how exhausted we were coming back to the resort, so we ate a really good meal and then snuggled up to some television.

Going to one of the resort evening shows where they performed dances with popular songs.  They did this full Beyonce mash-up that was INCREDIBLE!! I loved watching Ryan bob his head to the beat.  Ah I love watching him dance.  I told him we have to go dancing once a year in our marriage.  He agreed.

One night, we had a conversation where Ryan told me how much he's learned from me about accepting other people and understanding emotions. It feels so safe to love someone who sees SO much light and goodness in me, often more than I see in myself.  I can always rest there and know I will be bolstered up.  Ryan is so full of love and goodness.  He has such a strong heart.  It's especially amazing to be with someone where I can openly share my emotions, and he immediately is so loving and supportive.  

Here's to a million more memories and a lifetime together.

Upward and onward,

Nevermind that most of our honeymoon pictures happened on one day and they're basically all the same.  This offers two clues: we were more obsessed with ourselves than anything else.  Taking pictures was not top priority, except on one day when we overcompensated for memory's sake.

Writing from the honeymoon: such peaceful love

20 August 2015

Today has been the most perfect day.

This honeymoon.

I never want it to end.  It's so perfect perfect perfect.

Ryan sleeps right next to me after the most relaxing day.  Beaches, buffets, sand, ocean, couples massage, spa, sauna, polar plunge, sauna again, walk in Jamaica, and of course holding hands and hugging and kissing through it all.  I love Ryan.  This guy - ah gosh.  He has a heart of gold.  His character and morals are of the upmost I've ever known.  A mind that is so full of thought and clarity and intellect.  And he's sooooo loving.  He just adores me.  And I adore him.

And here I sit, in the dark of our resort room, hair still wet from the sauna, Ryan sleeping just to my left, and his breathing is so relaxing to me.  This resort came with a king size bed - three pillows across - and yet every morning, Ryan and I awake sharing the same pillow and a tiny sliver of the bed.  I think we would have done just fine with a twin, ha!

Anyway, I am happy right now.  So SO SO happy.

I just finished watching my friend Ashley's new YouTube video.  And I am SO blessed to have good souls like hers to fill my world.

And now, I am going to rest my head on Ryan's deep-breathing chest and relax with him until dinner date tonight!


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Writing from the honeymoon: Ryan's sweet subtle acts

18 August 2015

Day two of our honeymoon.

He brings me over a cup of water while I sit out in the sun.  "In case you get thirsty," he says.

He pulls out my chair, waits for me to sit down, and then helps me scoot into the dinner table.

He makes dinner and then offers to do the dishes and clean our apartment while I rest.  "You must be so tired after our wedding yesterday."

After only being married a couple days, I've noticed this really subtle extra level of care from Ryan.  Every moment, he seems to give extra thought to my needs, foreseeing them before even I do.  I can see him making sure I'm taken care of all the time.  I love it!

I make a comment to him about it on the first day of our honeymoon in Jamaica.  We're walking across a bridge in the back of the resort and he says, "I'm just so happy.  I feel so happy to be married to you."

His sweet little acts of taking care of me.

And to Thee, I wed. WEDDING DAY!

Powerful is the word I would use to describe our wedding day.

The momentum of the day was powerful. Once we got going, the wave of the day didn't stop until all was over.

And of course, the emotions of the day were powerful.  The grand level of commitment and having many suspended moments of comprehended eternity, that poignancy was powerful. And then having so many people around to smile at us and be present with us alongside this day, the love was powerful. And then being able to catch up with so many friends and see so many loved ones all together, the happiness was powerful.  And then having Ryan by my side the whole time, and sensing the permanency of our relationship shift, that security was powerful.

So here is a summary of our wedding day.  Actually it's more of a detailed narrative that's babbly and effusive.  BUT IT'S MY WEDDING DAY!!!

The night before we held a barbecue with both of our immediate family's. And I also invited Leslie, her husband, and her baby. My two favorite moments of the night were, finally seeing Ryan and I's older sisters together.  Because they look really similar and have very similar personalities.   Then I also enjoyed talking to Ryan's uncle, Matt. He is just so genuine and kind. He was asking me about my writing, and I forgot that I had ever even told him about it. And I loved watching him ask Brennan about his interest in tennis.  Seeing my brother respond so shy but Matt's sincerest efforts to really know him and appreciate him.  Matt truly is one of the most sincere people.  Later, Ryan told me that Matt is his top 5 most admired people in life for the exact same reasons I was seeing.

The next morning, I woke and had half a day before I had to be anywhere!  This is the way every bride should do it, because it was so relaxing and blissful. I just pampered myself - got ready slowly, turned up the music, allowed myself to get distracted with whatever.  I even called people to see what was happening in the outside world.  The majority of my family, and Ryan and the majority of his family, were at our reception site getting everything set-up. And I was just a calm, happy little bride laying on her bed and kicking her legs in the air. It was perfect.

Then at 11:30, Devin, Kara, and Ryan came over so Kara could trim Ryan's hair.  We laughed and analyzed Bachelor in Paradise together.  It was very important that the four of us do this on our wedding day, and also make sure Baby Camberli hears it.  Then at 12:15, Ryan and I were out the door on the way to the temple.

After finishing all of the preliminary items, our sealer briefly met with us, and then he went to see if all our guests were gathered in the sealing room, which gave Ryan and I a moment alone together in an adjoining sealing room.  We were standing in front of the eternity mirrors, and who knows what happened, but we were laughing our heads off when the sealer came back.

Then he led us to our sealing room.  It was packed full of our family and closest friends, all eyes on us, so many smiles.  It was such an overwhelming feeling, and both Ryan and I marked it as the highlight of our day.  He said the love he felt from all of his family and friends to be there and support him was one of the grandest feelings he's ever felt.  After we sat down on the designated couch together, and the sealer began, I peered around the room to find each of the people I invited, making eye contact and smiling with the majority of them.  I am so grateful that we were able to have such a big sealing room, but Ryan and I had to really really really refine our lists for who to invite and that was hard.  We wished for a few more spots.  Most of my guests had to travel between 6-12 hours to get here just for this.  It blew my mind how much dear love people have for Ryan and I.

Among the speech of the sealer, my favorite thing he said was:   "In essential things, give unity. In nonessential things, give liberty. And in everything, give charity."

Then Ryan and I were sealed, and I couldn't contain the smile on my face. I loved watching Ryan across the altar from me and seeing the emotion swell in him. And I just couldn't get the grin off my face.

Afterwards, we did pictures with our friends and family in the shade of the Jordan River temple trees.  Then Ryan and I had some photos taken with just us and the temple.  The Jordan River temple is more beautiful than I remember when I would come over the summer for temple work.  It has truly become my favorite temple!  SO exquisite and surreal.  And the overlook of the mountains - LOVE!

After pictures, Ryan and I drove to our reception location, which was a backyard garden of one of Ryan's family friends.  It was GORGEOUS!!  And absolutely perfect.  It was shady and expansive and so green.  Our family's were already there, the food was ready to go, and even some of my friends had come early to help out.  I never asked them to, but they just wanted to help.  It was SOO nice of them!  Our reception was catered by Christopher's Steakhouse - one of Ryan's clients.  And my sweet friend, Ashley, took on the role of our decorator and took care of everything the whole night!  Her generosity astounded me!

Ryan and I stood in the lower area with a bridge and little pond with a huge forest behind us that the kids explored all over the place while their parents waited to speak with us.  We greeted all of our guests for the next two hours.  It was so fun to have such a succession of good people and close friends come through.  I met so many Salt of the Earth type people in Ryan's life. 

Then we went to the upper-level of the gardens with the food and all our guests.  We cut the cake, which my former roommate Cici made and it was delicious!

As soon as the cake ceremony was complete, Ryan went to grab some more food, and all of my good friends stood up to come hang out with me, who had all merged in the night and become one full group.  Seeing all my good friends, from all different times and areas of my life, sitting together and becoming well-acquainted, it REALLY made me appreciate all the people I've come to know.  We all stood in a circle and laughed and took pictures.  I LOVE my friends.  Such good-hearted and hilarious people.  I am so so lucky to have such wonderful close people.

I was SOOO happy.  Full of so so much happiness.  It is such an overhwhelming experience to have so many people you love and care about and that care about you be all in the same place at the same time.  People just expressing their joy and love for you all day.

Once the sun started to set, Ryan and I said our goodbyes to everyone.

A former co-worker came at the last second.  He was a dear friend of mine, and he said he rushed over here after scout camp, barely making it.  It was SO nice of him!

And then I left with Ryan, my husband.

What a perfect, perfect day.

Upward and onward,

And these are all the pictures I have collected so far.  If you have any more, send them my way.  I would LOVE them!!


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