If someone were to ask me how life was going right now, given busy season and all... the long hours, the go-go-go all day from lots and lots of clients, the hurry.home.binge.snuggle.husband--AH-BEDTIME again, and again, and again, I would respond---
Oh my gosh.
The truth is - in January, my anxiety was on a roar. Like 3 am nightly, my brain drove my body into blissless alertness and pulsing concern and I would sit up in bed and just worry mercilessly. Isn't that right, Ryan, wasn't I a wee bit nervous? Ah good, he can't answer so you can audibly hear. I would fret about my impending busy season at work, about the house, about the mice in our house, about babies. January, my mind was on a track that just seemed endlessly tense. It wasn't pretty. Like, quite literally - it was.not.pretty.
So, I did what has given me grace from such great ailments in the past - I dove into meditations specific for my troubles. I built a meditation bed in our office, and I'd go there in the middle of the night each night when my mind would wake up for it's daily fester. I'd turn on a diffuser and enter a realm of deeper consciousness. It became such beautiful hours for me, and I felt my anxiety shedding directly from me. My favorite phrase says in 1 Nephi - "peace like a river." That's what I was going for. Peace flowing through me with the thickness and depth and tranquility like a cool, winding river.
And wonders it has done to meditate that element into me. I am a whole-hearted believer that shifting your subconscious slightly will massively shift your conscious realm. Lifting that bit of anxiety has planted me firmer into the joys of my life. My love towards Ryan is at such a deep level that I don't think its possible to love more without exploding; my feelings about the future, especially work and family-making, are joyous and excited and calm. I feel so stable and sound within myself. Now, instead of writing down my morning prayers, I have begun drawing my prayers in pictures, as I dictate to Heavenly Father through my images all the good I am feeling inside. Though the pictures are nothing that should be framed. Well actually, nothing that should be ever shared at all because they are entirely indiscernible to even myself the next day. I'm talking drawings of blocks and elementary cloud-puff trees and my flowing-peace-river that looks like soggy bacon.
Work specifically, I am really enjoying. First of all, I love doing taxes. I am super impressed with myself and how I've just picked up this super strong knack for taxes and consulting. It makes me feel smart, and I do like that feeling. Second, I love all the people I am meeting. I feel such a Christlike love towards them, because coming in to do taxes really wipes out the ego of mankind and puts us all on the same plane. Everyone has to file a tax return no matter how rich or healthy or fatigued or tall. We're all subject to this law, and I get to be their advocate and liaison. I consult people who are bubbly and humorous, and I consult people who are more quizzical, long-winded, and dry. And with every person, I disregard my natural state - whether I am tired or impatient or I have seen way too many clients already that day - and I breathe in deep to draw my better self, and I look at the current client as one who is here in a very sincere and vulnerable place as they trust me to be their steward and do what's best for them. So I sit up taller and I treat them as if they are my one and only client (not my 11th that day while I'm low on blood sugar). And I feel so much love for each of them individually as I serve them to the best of my ability. I am so grateful for this experience and that this could be my career forever if I choose.
And my success in this line of work has made me feel really limitless. I feel hugely empowered!! Long ago, I set a dream for my 28th birthday that I will be surpassing this year on my birthday. My hard work has gotten me very far, but with that alone, I wouldn't have reached this high goal. My steps into meditation are what opened the door for me to elevate and reach this place.
This morning as I meditated with this fellow, I felt that maybe all the success I've had with meditation could propel me further into the realms of whole-heartedness and mental abundance that I'm experiencing. I felt so inspired this morning that I picked more dreams I'd like to see come to fruition. Although, after I make it through busy season and have a decent amount of time to relax and snuggle Ryan.
I set an intention to:
-add another element to my side financial consulting business to incorporate meditation.
-meet Christiane Northrup, perhaps go dancing with her!
-somehow get involved with Hay House.
-find a charity that really makes me want to stand up and get involved!
-teach meditation and my theories about it that have been proven in my life!
-finish writing about Ryan and I's courtship.
-find more space in time and mind to write about my spiritual and meditation beliefs.
Upward and onward,
My meditation essentials.