A beacon of grace just for me

10 April 2016

Today in church, I had a very personal question answered. One that I've been has been pressing heavily upon me lately.

After many, many prayers and feeling real dim towards my questions, last night as I prayed, I told Heavenly Father I just needed to feel something.  A thought of light, a sparkish feeling, a small moment that dings me really deep.  Some poignancy.  Ryan taught that word to our Sunday School class today.  I haven't mentioned yet that our new calling is to team teach the 16 year olds.  It is awesome!!  I love hearing all the facts and doctrine Ryan knows, and he gets to hear some of the things I've picked up along the way as well.  And I love the malleable and eager minds of these teenagers!

I am really withering.  Big time.  This tax season is so intense!  My body and brain are completely stripped, yet they are demanded endlessly.  My energy sources are are so far below the empty line that it feels impossible to ever be restored.  My body is needed for certain reasons and my brain is needed at work for others, and I am giving above and beyond my highest capacity.  I am straining myself.  My work has an expectation that I could probably normally meet.  But God is bringing me a future of motherhood, and I absolutely cannot do both of these together.  So I've been praying for help.  I am so weak right now.  But a line needs to be drawn; transitions need to be made; I need to put other priorities at the top and hold firm.

My prayers were answered when my new friend Angie was speaking in Sacrament Meeting, and her experiences hit so close to home for me. She talked about having a strong career and getting married later.  After becoming very successful at work, and then also giving birth to her son, she began thinking about how people in her marketing board meetings won't remember her incredible presentation in three years.  But her son will be impacted by her for a lifetime from even her smallest acts of love and faith.

And I know that unless you draw a hard line in the sand that says - these are my top priorities - than the world just uses you and sucks you dry for all you have.  Mainly I'm saying this because tax season.  People need and need and need, and every day, I have to work as fast as humanly possible to get everything done.  All day.  Every day.  And I needed God to surge me with a bold conviction.  First, world, I am a Self, a wife, and a someday mother.  And I will take root in those priorites first.  Then, you can have my energy, but if I don't have enough for you, and you are disappointed, well then that is just what you are.  No guilt on my part.  The line is drawn for me.  I really really believe a women's role is so divinely purposed to be in the mighty work of bringing the souls in her home closer to Christ daily.  Not serving the world's needs and then giving the remnants of energy to my family.  YES!  I drew the line of which side I am willing to disappoint, and I feel so so strongly that I would rather fulfill God's expectation of me then every one else's.  Plus, I really desire to be a mom and wife who gives her full energy to the home and family.  That totally thrills me!  I am so glad this is God's plan for me. 

Later, as Ryan and I went for a Sunday drive, I told him how that talk was such a Godsend for me.  And for me in particular from the rest of the congregation.  If there were a number above everyone's head about how relevant that talk was for them, mine would be flashing the brightest and largest.  NOT THAT WINNING AT CHURCH TALK RELEVANCY MATTERS.

Some powerful words of Russell M. Nelson back up the role of women so well (A Plea to our Sisters, October 2015):

I am so happy to be a wife and so excited and eager to be a mother, ensuring the spirit is strong in my home, and I am helping to shepherd the souls in my family to Christ.  I'm a huge believer in a women's influence.

Upward and onward,

And here is Cami looking like the cutest sheep in the world!!


  1. I'm so happy your prayers were answered at church today! :) That really was a great talk. I can't believe the sacrifices mothers make to bring a baby into this world. So grateful for my mother. I owe her everything. I'm so lucky that my future children will have YOU as their mother!

  2. When I first saw this title, I read "bacon grease". Remember when we ended up with so much bacon grease?!?!