Trauma Hypnosis

04 September 2016

Ryan is away hunting this weekend.  "Do you care when he goes away hunting like this?" a young woman from my Sunday School class asks, expecting me to match her family members who get so bothered by hunting trips. No, gosh, not at all!  Because to me, it seems so co-dependent, even selfish, if I were to be bothered.  I want Ryan to live his passion, and I get excited with him.  And plus, I look forward to this time of my own passion projects that I otherwise can't focus on when he's around, because I just want to hang out with him.  We live our passions in this hunting season, and we both enjoy it.

But, that's not to say that holy heavens, I miss that guy.

Luckily, Ryan came into a small town on this Sunday, so he and Gary can attend church and honor the rest of the Sabbath.  So we talk on the phone, text, and send pictures for as long as he has cell service.  Today we even selected a middle name for Baby Girl.  Our process of choosing her first name and her middle name lasted.... oh, about 5 seconds for each.  One of us offered just one name, and the other responded, "yes!! I love it!"  And that's how surprisingly easy it was for us.  Only one name came to the table, and that will be our little girl's name forever.

Anyway, the last couple of days I have been completely engrossed on a writing project.  To which, sidenote, I have partaken in zero media.  I have been so full of focus and excitement over my project.  Which tells me that the sluggishness of the last while from tv watching and social media has not served me really at all.  I should go back to my days of little to no interactions with such.

Anyway, this project has led me to read old writings of mine, dig up old pictures, and I have been really connected to the past, in the most beautiful way.

I admire how open I've been about really personal things.  It's interesting how my past self can rejuvenate and strengthen my current self.  I just taught my Sunday School class about the importance of journaling a couple weeks ago, and now here's another testament.  Anyway, I read just one post today from my divorce healing journey (here), and it brought remembrance to how freely I wrote about that journey through the years when it was so relevant to me.  And then, I stopped writing about it altogether.  Maybe people noticed.  Maybe they didn't.  Maybe blog reading has altogether truly sunk into oblivion like my suspicions suspect.  Who are you that still read here anyways?

Well, I'm feeling really grounded and clear tonight, as I work to the sound of crickets, my diffuser, and in the soft light of Ryan and I's bedroom.  It is so safe and full of love here.  So I'll tackle some of these unanswered questions.  Whatever happened to my healing journey?  Did I just close up on vulnerability and stop writing about it?  Or did maybe... the journey come to an end?

Well, amazingly, it indeed came to a close - maybe once and for all?  or maybe just for a season, because it tends to do that.  But this has been a long season of reprieve nonetheless, nearly a year to be exact!  And as such, I'm very grateful.  I was set for this to be a bruise that would linger my entire life, but it indeed goes for longer and longer periods of time where it stops bleeding.

Here's a story about this last year, and the peace I've felt:

Just one year ago, Ryan and I were married and sealed in the Jordan River temple.  I still cannot wrap my brain around this incredible blessing, and further, I still cannot wrap my brain around the marriage that I have with Ryan.  I really doubted that I'd be able to find such a level of depth and joy with another person, especially after my jolt of real life.  But it is possible.  I am so humbled to Heavenly Father because of how much He's given me.

When Ryan and I began dating, my trauma was so strong. Opening myself to companionship with Ryan was fraught with nights of me coming home after being with him and sobbing endlessly into my pillow in fear over my past.  Eventually, as Ryan and I got to know one another better, I was able to open up to him about the depth of pain that was still in me, and we would work through it gently together.  We had a system set up where every evening he would ask me, "How are we doing today?"  And that was my open door to share any triggers that had burrowed themselves in me.  He would often have to coax me open, and I would cry softly with him about how much I hurt, and sometimes, his own tears would come as he glimpsed more of my trauma.  Gradually through our courtship, the pain dimmed.  Nights like these, though precious, had ceased.  My trauma eventually stopped looming at all.  And because of this, and the deepening and growth in our relationship in general, we were ready to be engaged, and then quickly after, married.

I hadn't expected to what degree a new marriage might stir up my past.  Ryan and I were riding on such high feelings, and everything else in the entire world felt so far removed.  But very shortly after we were wed, trauma came tumulting into me with such domination.  After all that time and healing, I didn't realize that such massive anguish still remained.  Because of the intensity, I was referred to a Trauma Conversion Therapist in Utah. 

Immediately upon entering, I knew she was the exact person I needed.  She seemed angelic to me in her demeanor, appearance, and energy.  After brief introductions from both of us, she then asked what it was I came in for.  The flood gates opened, and I exposed myself to her in such rawness about everything I had endured and that I was now re-experiencing.  I felt wrapped up in her just from the way she received all that I shared.  She said that normally she waited a few sessions before doing a complete trauma conversion session, but she could see that I was really in need of one, and also that I would be capable of doing one right away because of the meditation I had practiced on my own.

So she guided me into an extremely deep place; I was in my most relaxed and trancelike self-hypnotic state.  She then worked with my subconscious "Pain Manager" - the place where all our deepest rooted pains are stored because our body doesn't know what else to do with them.  We addressed the trauma directly at my subconscious level and giving my Pain Manager permission to let go

I could tell my body was undergoing a lot of construction, but I could really feel weight draining from me.  I felt infinitely in body, mind, and soul.  And, honestly, since that time, I have not been affected by my divorce.  Have I thought about it?  Yeah, a few times.  But rarely.  And if I have, it has not had any sort of emotional charge.  How phenomenal!  I have since used that same self-hypnosis on several other painful instances, and the effects have been just as far-reaching. 
I feel fully in my life now, not always stuck with the embers of the past.  And there is so much not to be present for!  Ryan and I are about to become parents.  Motherhood has been the focus of all my thoughts now!  The time is coming! 

Love to all!

Especially to Ryan in the forest, my baby's daddy <3 <3 <3

Upward and onward,

image source


  1. I read your blog! I love it. Gosh, so many things that I loved about this post. Feeling like a very lucky guy to be with you! We dated for 1 year and have been married for 1 year. It has been such an awesome journey, with the ups and downs that happen in life, but I wouldn't change any of it because of the way it has brought us together. Can't wait to experience the growth in our relationship that happens as we bring little Charlotte Rae into our home! <3

  2. Hello! I still read it too and can relate so strongly to this post. I feel like I need to learn to meditate, I feel that emotionally I have let go of my past and gave forgiven, but physically my body has not (weight, someone told me that my body is holding onto it to protect myself) I feel like there's just a little bit more to let go of, but marriage, especially remarriage that proves what a blessing and gift marriage can be and the journey of pregnancy to becoming a mother is so humbling cleansing and renewing. So happy for you both.

  3. You have come so far!! You radiate peace and love!

  4. Thanks for sharing your heart here, Chantel. :)

  5. Wow, love this and you. And I've also been going through all my old writing the past couple of months (found it all stored away when I emptied my storage unit). It's so empowering to realize what I already knew. And oh my goodness, the gratitude I have for my meditation journey is immense.