Moment by Moment
13 September 2016
Dear Charlotte Rae,
If I treat my time raising you like I treated my time that I was pregnant with you, we are both going to become such strong, wise, and patient beings.
A lot of pregnancy tests went into the trash can before your pregnancy test came along. And that one went into a different trash can, because I carried it around for awhile, basking in the truth that just became mine and Ryan's reality. (But eventually, it also ended up in the trash can, because I didn't want to preserve a pee stick). But to keep solidifying the truth, every time I went into that bathroom, I picked the pregnancy test out of the trash can and examined it. Over and over, again and again.
For the last six months, I've been more meditative - in the moment, calling all good vibes, releasing all tightness and strain - than I ever have before. This has slowed me down. Slowed me way down. Your mom lived a fast-paced, ambitious, energized life. It was amazing! And we will have similar days of big adventures and pursuing goals. But ultimately, the cadence to which I will parent you will mirror my slower, more mindful steps. We won't run from big stone to big stone. We'll be patient and admiring of all the little pebbles.
And this same mindset became the basis for which I prepared for your delivery. I have prepared for your birth way more than one would ever be expected to. Though recently, the nerves set it. I sought out the counsel of a woman who I had never met - a friend of a friend, someone who was recommended to me because of our similar beliefs about birthing. I texted her my nervous questions, and she reassured me that if I took everything moment by moment, I would be okay. I should not think about the experience as a whole or I would undoubtedly get overwhelmed. "Trust me," she said, "one moment at a time."
Yes! I love that! Isn't that true of motherhood as well? If I take it all just one moment at a time, just like I have done in this pregnancy, nothing will be beyond my reach. Sometimes I'll have ample patience and wisdom, and sometimes just a sliver. But if I stay slow, in just that moment, I'll find what I need.
Upward and onward,