The scriptures lighten

15 October 2016

Today, I felt beyond defeated.  I had an anxiety attack last night that left me so tired.

I know that I am subconsciously feeling the weight of upcoming labor, and it's compressing out of me through mental hyperactivity.  Anxiety is so painful and difficult.

Early this morning, I visited my friend Ashley to support her in her new business; she is so alive and full of light!

When I returned home, Ryan was still resting.  So I sat down in my reading chair and opened the scriptures to the second half of Mosiah.  I read and read and read.  I engrossed myself in the stories.  In the spirit.  In the declarations of repentance and forgiveness.  In the rising of Alma the Younger, his rebirth, the restoration of himself into a man of such honor.  In the patterns of war and pride that are continual on every page of the book.  The good never goes without pressure from the bad.  And I likened that to the course of one person.  The good and wholeness of one individual never goes without pressure and force from the bad.  I have felt the duality of good and evil inside of me lately.  I cried to Heavenly Father earlier, just like Nephi did in the Psalms of Nephi, about why I can't overcome these parts of myself that aren't all that becoming.

And the whole time I read, the spirit filled me brighter, stronger, with hope.  I so desperately need all of those things.  I thought of how the world anchors into me deeply.  Emotions, experiences.  Attachment for me is deep, and I grow weighted.  I feel like I'm always releasing.  Release.  Release.  Release.  I seek to keep myself touching all things loosely (just like I talk of here).

And after reading the scriptures, I felt the loosening.  I felt the softer touch.  The lighter insides.  The holiness that surrounds me and protects.  I NEED that.  I need all of this so badly.  I need God in my life.  I need this Spirit.  I need this unmangingly.  especially right now. 

I love these scriptures.

Upward and onward,

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