The scriptures lighten
15 October 2016
Today, I felt beyond defeated. I had an anxiety attack last night that left me so tired.
I know that I am subconsciously feeling the weight of upcoming labor, and it's compressing out of me through mental hyperactivity. Anxiety is so painful and difficult.
Early this morning, I visited my friend Ashley to support her in her new business; she is so alive and full of light!
When I returned home, Ryan was still resting. So I sat down in my reading chair and opened the scriptures to the second half of Mosiah. I read and read and read. I engrossed myself in the stories. In the spirit. In the declarations of repentance and forgiveness. In the rising of Alma the Younger, his rebirth, the restoration of himself into a man of such honor. In the patterns of war and pride that are continual on every page of the book. The good never goes without pressure from the bad. And I likened that to the course of one person. The good and wholeness of one individual never goes without pressure and force from the bad. I have felt the duality of good and evil inside of me lately. I cried to Heavenly Father earlier, just like Nephi did in the Psalms of Nephi, about why I can't overcome these parts of myself that aren't all that becoming.
And the whole time I read, the spirit filled me brighter, stronger, with hope. I so desperately need all of those things. I thought of how the world anchors into me deeply. Emotions, experiences. Attachment for me is deep, and I grow weighted. I feel like I'm always releasing. Release. Release. Release. I seek to keep myself touching all things loosely (just like I talk of here).
And after reading the scriptures, I felt the loosening. I felt the softer touch. The lighter insides. The holiness that surrounds me and protects. I NEED that. I need all of this so badly. I need God in my life. I need this Spirit. I need this unmangingly. especially right now.
I love these scriptures.
Upward and onward,
Labels: Scripture Study