A Rich Man

28 June 2017

"A man is rich in proportion to the number of things he can afford to let alone."

Henry David Thoreau

I LOVE THIS QUOTE!  There is so much that I keep with me.  Then I recite this quote to myself and feel a release.  There is much to let go of in every moment.

I like to think:  in 5 years would this matter?   nah.  Or:  would 100 diverse people - across countries and generations - find this significant?   nope.

Then I will become richer to let it go.

I know people who let their hands physically release an imaginary balloon, or stardust, or an explosion of energy.  And then imagine it all drifting far, far away.

I love to build on these ideas, so do tell, what words or images help you to let things be?

Upward and onward,

image source

My Sweet Baby Girl

Charlotte is such a doll.  Perhaps I need more children in the mix to be more objective about this one, because she just seems too good to be true.  If Charlotte represented the nature and easiness of all babies, I would have 29 of them.  And if her happy and playful essence stays with her, granted she can have some extra grace around three years of age, then she is going to been known for the joy and light-heartedness she brings to everyone!

Charlotte is just so good-natured.  She is just as happy as can be, smiling and laughing all the day long.  I totally love how goofy and playful she is!  She's also comfortable and engaging with everyone, which makes her extra sweet and enticing! Yet, she's also so content in her own company.  When she wakes up for the morning or from a nap, she'll just lay in her crib and talk to herself and to her stuffed animals. 

Last week, we had a family in our ward watch her for an entire day.  This included a mother and several of her six children.  They were all just overcome with what "an angel baby" she is.  They were so astounded that when Charlotte woke up from her nap, she just laid quietly in her bed and looked around, until someone happened to peek in on her, and then she was all smiles!  The mom said that is unheard of amongst her children!  I pray all my babies are as healthy and sleep and eat this well.

Anyway, I just believe Charlotte is such a good person.  I think there is already something really special about her, like aspects of her countenance that she has brought with her from the premortal world.  I think she's going to bring so much light to the world, and I will learn and grow a lot from her example.  In that way, being a mother to Charlotte feels like I am under her tutelage.  

Upward and onward,

Silly Girl

26 June 2017

Charlotte is becoming more and more interactive and entertained by silly things.  It's such a joy!  She likes funny things that would most likely scare adult.  Like pretending we're eating her, or we're burglars sneaking around the furniture and then attacking her.  Her favorite things are when you throw toys at her, drop toys on her, or make weird sounds in her face.

Here is Charlotte playing footsie with me and tickling my toes.  She was quite entertained by them.

Upward and onward,

Hubby Half Marathon

21 June 2017

Two Saturdays ago, Ryan and I ran a half marathon together!  

This started out as a decision back in November, right after Charlotte was born, to run a marathon.  Well, Ryan ran about 2 miles a few times.  And I ran up to 8 miles a few times.  And our commitment to the time involved in training went elsewhere.  He stayed more high-spirited for his soccer games, and me with my boxing.  So we shifted to a half marathon, and we had one heck of a time doing that.  

It was probably the least intensive race I've ever run.  It was basically husband and wife off on a morning stroll.  Though the morning stroll did start with an alarm clock at 3:30 in the morning.  Getting ready.  Meeting a bus.  Riding to our race spot.  Camping with a thousand other people.  And then starting the run at the 6:00 am gun time. 

Ryan and I later remarked that this race was more the production of the entire experience and less about the run.  Because we took the run easy and it wasn't bad at all.  We talked and talked.  About Charlotte, about our lives, about our goals and dreams.  It was all so nice.  I love quality time with Ryan, because I love his listening ear and his mind.

Though, my favorite part, about 7 miles in, Ryan looked over me and said, "You're so pretty.

Upward and onward,

FHE for the win

For Family Home Evening on Monday, Charlotte called out the window to Ryan and said:


"Hey Dad!  Let's go to Jamba Juice."

Those were her first words.

So we had a little spiritual lesson.  And from there, we'll work this story backwards with some pictures:

Why is Charlotte half naked?  You may be wondering.  (At least that's what I wanted you to notice from those photos).

Answer:  Because I did not foresee the ramification of my choices at lunch time when I fed her a whole container of prunes.  She liked them, and I liked that she liked them, so I let her eat all of them.  And then, several hours later, when we ventured out for our sweet pre-dinner treats, Charlotte somehow achieved the most inverted diaper explosion we've seen yet.  More on the outside than on the inside.   So we stripped her down and cleaned her up and dressed her with what we had - one pair of pink polka-dot pants.

Boy, does our baby look cute wearing only those.

Then, our FHE proceeded with Charlotte going home to bed, and Ryan grilling up a tray full of chicken legs.  And we got to end our night licking our salty, greasy fingers.

It was a glamours night for everyone.

Upward and onward,

Hiking Rose Canyon

Nap time!  And I am going to take advantage of it by sitting here and writing as many words as I can before our Little Princess wakes up.

On Saturday, we drove out to the canyon just west of our home, and our little family embarked on a hike.  I heard rumors that something spectacular was at the end of the hike.  Though, there were many trails; and we didn't know how long each of them were; or which one even led to the special place; let alone, what it even was.  A waterfall, an overlook, a cave, a new country.  I also don't know if I made up this rumor in my own head, and then started the passing of it.  Regardless, we hiked quickly in hopes of finding out.  But alas, after hiking for about 1.5 miles, I got the mama's intuitive hunch that it was time for us to turn around.  A baby has got her life to live, and it ain't in the backwoods of a mountain.

So we hiked back out, and as soon as we crossed the bridge to our car, Charlotte was ready for some food and a nap.  Mothers know.

However, the hike was gorgeous.  We found large stick teepees, streams, and endless trails veering away.  We were lost in a field of trees, and the rest of the world was so far away.  It was a really great time, and I look forward to going back very soon.

And also, what is really at the end?  Is there an end?


Upward and onward,


14 June 2017

Ya know what's interesting - every time I begin sinking into my trauma, I begin a slow abandonment of self.  In my mind, I feel like I'm doing the right thing by excusing him for being human and prone to error, and I become the character in his story that he needed me to be.  The character that has to hold all the accountability, because he held none. I had to be a person worth nothing.  Completely dehumanized.  Worthless.  So that his life and projections and decisions could make sense.  I comb through my weaknesses, faults, and wrongdoings so intensely; I crumple and wither away.

Becoming a vacant person is a terrible place.  It's void of light and clarity.  There is no truth and absolutely no virtue.  It's purely horrifying. 

And when I hit rock bottom and begin reaching out to people, showing them where I'm at, so low and subservient in my mind, everyone responds to me with such boldness.  My therapist, my friends, Ryan.  They declare how wrong, wrong, wrong that situation was.  They say things that are so striking and audacious that it leaves me aghast.  And I end up laughing a little.  They rip his story out of me, and they inject me with the Truth.  It is a monumental difference.  I am full of light, hope, spirit, joy, and even laughter.  I feel more closely attuned to who I really am.  I feel awakened, energized, and free!

It's just so interesting that as I do my slow sinking over time, the darkness causes me to think that I'm being more virtuous by stepping into that twisted world.  That I'm doing right by him to do that.  To be nullified, deadened, and worthless.

But every time I come out of this, I realize how void of virtue that is.   What a sham.  It was all such a sham and big fat lie.

I take hold of the truth strongly again.

Upward and onward,

image source

The light of alignment

13 June 2017

Everyone, thank you! Thank you! 

I am feeling leaps and bounds better.  Even just in the process of writing my last post, I could feel such a huge release.  And in studying my scriptures; talking with Ryan, Nora, and a few of you; and getting a blessing, I'm steadily getting through this.  Thanks for reaching out to me.  

I always land in the same place, reaching the same conclusions I always do.  This place contains such truth, clarity, and a sense of awakening.  I feel a greater capacity within me.

Here's what I believe:  Decisions we make either add light and vision to our life, or they subtract those things from us.  We choose transparency and a clear mind alongside the Spirit, or we choose the bendings and falsehoods of the devil, as innocuous as they seem in the moment.  But stepping down that path muddles one's mind to a degree; it dims the soul.  And to add light to one's way again, one can either break the facade and step back out.  Or, rationalizations, excuses, defenses, and strange circumventions of thought must be propped up.  Like rickety scaffolding with flickering latterns hung around.  And how limiting to one's vision is this artificial light?  How oddly does this cause one to think?  Especially if there is an addiction involved.

So trying to get inside that type of thinking is completely insane.  It will not make sense because it cannot make sense.

There is this book called  How Could You Do That?!: The Abdication of Character, Courage, and Conscience by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.  Have you read it?  It's phenomenal at making sense of all this.  If you have been severely affected by another's choices, asking endlessly:  why did they do that?  why do they keep doing that?  why is everything so convoluted and confusing, hidden and nonsensical, conflicting and so dang hurtful?  ultimately, why is there such a disconnect?

Answer:  because there is a disconnect.

Upward and onward,

image source

Handling Pain

11 June 2017

Ryan and I just finished giving Charlotte a bath, laughing at her as she splashed and splashed.  Then she'd turn to us with a big grin; then go back to splashing.  Just watching little ones brings so much joy.

Though switching gears, I've been inside my trauma for a couple days.  It's been lightly hovering for awhile, as new information popped up about my ex - from all those years ago - about what was really going on behind all the smoke and mirrors.  (Yes, PORN.  Thanks for all the lies, buddy!  Can I even say that without being incriminating, or should I make this blog private for a hot minute, so I can just ahhhh!  Seriously though, his behavior was ridiculous, and I was clueless, and I couldn't get any type of reality check.  I honestly thought I had gone mad.).

The last couple days I've been heavy in a tailspin.  I am sensitive by nature and things don't just breeze on by me as I wish they would (arg!  I'm really at odds about that sensitive side of me), but, I just am so darn baffled at the duality of everything that happened to me.  It sends me into the tornado of grief all. over. again.  I've been here hundreds of times, and it's still jarring and conflicting and confusing and maddening.

This is a lesson I've had to learn.  I cannot react to my pain.  I am too strong of feeling in a moment.  I have to practice the pause. It was a great big weakness of mine that I didn't understand back then.  Pain puts me to action.  I jump up and go full throttle to confront and solve the discomfort.  But that generally just means I overreact and do so hastily and angrily and with the uncontrolled temperament of a child, despite my best intentions of trying to face things head on.  Though, I don't see nobility in the opposite either - sticking your head in the sand and running from all your problems. ... ...

Although, everyone has some sort of Mr. Hyde, so it's easy for me to hold forgiveness for someone else's dark side when I can see my own.  We can all be muddled and ridiculous, extreme or empty.  We all act completely false to our natures when the hurt is bad enough.

But I am just in current grieving from that situation years ago, because there is so many layers of untruth and hypocrisy.  I comb through my mind to the memories and just shudder - what a large house of secrets.  I hate being lied to.  I hate it.  I hate lying in all its forms. ... ...

Though all that is not here nor there, I just need to move through this pain, and get far far from it again.  Right now, I am just working on the art of the marinade.  Allowing my pain to storm while I just sit with it. The other morning, I laid in bed and opened up space inside of me for the full weight of grief.  It was so heavy that I willed myself out of my body until it passed.  I wish I could stop feeling, but you just have to sit in it.  That is hard.  Have you mastered that?

Also, I'm going back to my Trauma Conversion Therapist.  She's my saving grace.  I'm so grateful that I found her and found the power of hypnosis to relieve trauma.

Lastly, I LOVE this scripture.  It is one of my favorites:  "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind"  (1 Timothy 1:7).  Even though trauma strips the ground from beneath me, we always have a space of soundness within us.  In the surge of darkness, there will always be a tiny little spot inside that says, "I am Infinite and Surrounded."  Divinity is there to assist, and I am a Greater Being than I realize.  That helps me cling and find hope.

That's where I'm at right now.  Friends, I could use an encircling of the wagons.

Upward and onward,

image source

Yard Work & Soccer Games

04 June 2017

All of my siblings came down this last weekend because the US Men's Soccer Team was playing in Salt Lake City.  Ryan and I were scheduled to go camping this weekend, but we altered our plans last minute to stay home.  I'm SO grateful we did.

My siblings arrived on Friday evening.  Ryan, Charlotte, and I were just returning from a walk through the neighborhood.  Whereupon, we found that a bird had pooped on Charlotte's head during the walk. We laughed about that for awhile, and then we all stayed up late talking, eating snacks, and watching a brilliant comedian I found on YouTube.

The next morning, I left for boxing, and I came home to this sight:

All my siblings were hard at work in the yard with Ryan.  It was so funny / AWESOME!  Ryan and I were planning on kicking out some major yard work projects, and my siblings cut that time down for us from a few days to a few hours.  I tended Charlotte inside, preparing homemade BBQ sauce and a nice dinner that evening.

After yard work, we all lined up for the showers, and then went out for lunch at In-N-Out.  Afterwards, Angie and Matt went to IKEA, while the rest of us went to Boondocks for mini golf and some arcarde games.  For one game, I tended Charlotte while Ryan and all my brothers battled it out shooting werewolves.  I told them the winner would be the one who could take the funniest photo for the screen above the outside waiting line.

Afterwards, we came home to a nice BBQ meal, and then we all set out for the soccer game!  We met up with several of our friends.  It was way fun!!

And now, the moment I've been waiting for!!!!!

I present to you our disheveled front yard.  And this is at one of its finer moments.  You should have seen it last fall when we had plants bursting from every inch of the space.  It was overgrown chaos.  Also, Ryan was building our fence when I snapped this photo.

And now, TA DA!!!  Oh it's so pretty.  We love it.   Ryan and my family did such a good job.

Upward and onward,

Memorial Day Weekend with My Family

Last weekend we drove home to visit my family for Memorial Weekend.  Trevor had texted me earlier in the week and said everyone was coming home, so we should too!  And I'm SOOO glad we did.  It was just what I needed to get out of a funk.  My cousin, Jarae, drove over too, and it was SO fun to have her with us.

We all kicked back all weekend and enjoyed each other's company to the max.  We all went hiking, then toured the Idaho State Penitentiary (I'm tired after typing that word), then we hung out in my parent's gorgeous backyard for a couple days on end.  We had barbeque, played volleyball, played racquetball, played board games, and played with the two babies.  Myself and my sisters even brought all the jewelry we no longer wore and had a little jewelry exchange.  

It was just perfect.  I'm so grateful for my family, and I'm so soooooo glad I went home to gather up all those good feelings and laughs with them.

 Heading out on our hike! Charlotte was a trooper.

Oh my goodness, do you just love this baby?

 Sitting at the peak of our hike!

Touring the Idaho State Penitentiary

Hanging out in my parent's backyard!

Jarae and Charlotte!

Kami loved to pet Charlotte's head.

And what better picture to show that even Charlotte had a kicked-back weekend:

Upward and onward,