Handling Pain

11 June 2017

Ryan and I just finished giving Charlotte a bath, laughing at her as she splashed and splashed.  Then she'd turn to us with a big grin; then go back to splashing.  Just watching little ones brings so much joy.

Though switching gears, I've been inside my trauma for a couple days.  It's been lightly hovering for awhile, as new (material, yet validating) information popped up about what was really going on behind all the smoke and mirrors.  Then the last couple days I've been heavy in a tailspin.  I am sensitive by nature and things don't just breeze on by me as I wish they would (arg!  I'm really at odds about that sensitive side of me), but, I just am so darn baffled at the duality of everything that happened to me.  Why does nothing make sense and reflect such hypocrisy?  It sends me into the tornado of grief all. over. again.  I've been here hundreds of times, and it's still jarring and conflicting and confusing and maddening.

This is a lesson I've had to learn.  I cannot react to my pain.  I am too strong of feeling in a moment.  I have to practice the pause. It was a great big weakness of mine that I didn't understand back then.  Pain puts me to action.  I jump up and go full throttle to confront and solve the discomfort.  But that generally just means I overreact and do so hastily and angrily and with the uncontrolled temperament of a child, despite my best intentions of trying to face things head on.  Though, I don't see nobility in the opposite either - sticking your head in the sand and running from all your problems. ... ...

Although, everyone has some sort of Mr. Hyde, so it's easy for me to hold forgiveness for someone else's dark side when I can see my own.  We can all be muddled and ridiculous, extreme or empty.  We all act completely false to our natures when the hurt is bad enough.

But I am just in current grieving from that situation years ago, because there is still such a double standard.  I comb through my mind to the memories and just shudder - what a large house of secrets.  I hate being lied to.  I hate it.  I hate lying in all its forms. ... ...

Though all that is not here nor there, I just need to move through this pain, and get far far from it again.  Right now, I am just working on the art of the marinade.  Allowing my pain to storm while I just sit with it. The other morning, I laid in bed and opened up space inside of me for the full weight of grief.  And it was so heavy that I willed myself out of my body until it passed.  I wish I could stop feeling.  Instead, you just have to sit it in.  That is hard.  Have you mastered that?

Also, I'm going back to my Trauma Conversion Therapist.  She's my saving grace.  I'm so grateful that I found her and found the power of hypnosis to relieve trauma.

Lastly, I LOVE this scripture.  It is one of my favorites:  "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind"  (1 Timothy 1:7).  Even though trauma strips the ground from beneath me, we always have a space of soundness within us.  In the surge of darkness, there will always be a tiny little spot inside that says, "I am Infinite and Surrounded."  Divinity is there to assist, and I am a Greater Being than I realize.  That helps me cling and find hope.

That's where I'm at right now.  Friends, I could use an encircling of the wagons.

Upward and onward,

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  1. I have PTSD and I feel you so much. I've been going to therapy regularly since November and it has been so helpful. I've been reading: Daring Greatly, The Emtoionally Abused Woman (Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself). I have a lot of friends that go to SAA for betrayal trauma and they say it is so incredibly helpful; I have never gone myself, but I read through the information while I was dating a SA.

  2. Gosh, I wish I could just take this weight off your shoulders and carry it for a little while. I think you are so strong and so amazing.