A time and a place

30 May 2014

[Why the Philippines means so much to me.  Such a sacred piece for me to share.]

I've decided to pay a great respect to the phrase - a time and a place.  

I've followed a cadence my whole life that always seeks resolve.  Whether my docket contains a task to be done, a tension with a stressor or person to be loosened, an emotion to be understood and let go, I've always approached it immediately, honestly, dutifully, and whole-heartedly.  Until resolved. 

No one ever had to tell me to do anything because I surely completed all and much more on my own.  And no one ever had to teach me to face my problems because I surely stomped them out and much more all on my own.  I never delayed or retreated or stuck my head in the sand and ignored.  I was rooted, and I was very wise with my resolves.  My. whole. life.

Except in high school.  Because obviously everything was THE biggest deal, and I HAD to overreact with all those hormones.  

But really, life starts with such a little body and such little troubles.  And the sizes of each stay relative until your body stops growing, but your mind doesn't.  And then your complexities start to get bigger.  And your relationships more complicated.  And the resolves of emotions and duties start taking a bit more time, and a bit more focus.  But nothing that I couldn't face, overturn, and smooth out.

But after going through my divorce - and all that betrayal and abandonment, oh it was so awful! - the troubles became too dark for me.  Far too massive than anything I was equipped to handle.  Which I suppose was the point - God allowed me to finally face something that I couldn't fully overturn and smooth out in my own due time.

But because resolve is my cadence, I tried.  I tried so hard.  I sought to answer all the questions.  To identify and release every emotion, to understand, forgive, heal, mourn, fight, fold, spit, heel.  To do all that I possibly could to just tie up all the loose ends and lay it down to rest.  Pressing upward for understanding, questions, guidance.  Peace.  Often thinking I had finally reconciled it all, feeling less haunt, less hold.  But it never lasted.  Another round of prayers.  And another.  And another.  For years. 

And I came to a point where I felt so exhausted from carrying it all.  to no end, and seemingly for no return.  It was frustrating and lonely, and that's largely what made me decide to head off to save the Philippines.  Because what did I have to lose?

Well there I was.  Day 17 of being in the Philippines.  On a bus riding back from one of the island ports.  I had just ended a very expressive and understanding conversation with Mace, after weeks of an emotionally and physically exhausting adventure through the wreckage of the country.  Our souls were opened raw.  I turned to look out the window at the quickly passing trees to think.  And then, I was entirely overcome.  It was no unnoticeable surge, no unmistakable message.  God was right there.  Right inside my heart, my body.  I felt every empty space filled with light.  So much warmth burning from within my body that I was stunned.  It was one of the far most joyous feelings I've ever had, and I am one who feels much, often and deeply.  But this was beyond exquisite. 

And then I felt His message.  "You have gone through a journey that no one will ever fully know.  And you have no greater triumph to speak of then this.  And you have done it so well."  And I felt entirely lifted.  Free-floating.  Knowing He had taken hold.  His peace took over my unended resolve, and I felt calm.  He would finish from here, and it was no longer mine to hold. 

My eyes watered up with tears.  I've accomplished much of very notable level in my life, but I knew this was my absolute finest victory.  And yet, it was one that no one will every fully know.  But God's understanding was so powerful and unparalleled that I am okay with that. 

However, time has passed since that bus ride in the Philippines, and though I will never forget that ethereal feeling, that satiating amount of peace waxes and wanes.  Like the moon cycle, like... another cycle.  And some nights, I find my faculties weakening with fatigue, or being in conversations where suddenly the doors are opened, and I feel that tug to start resolving. 

And I am SUCH an impressionable person, moreso than most.  I'm impressionable to kindness and to beauty.  But that means I'm also so impressionable to all thins hurtful.  I focus consciously on lightening cruel outside imprints by saying it's okay.  It's okay that I am one who leans into her heart.  I used to try and pray away my sensitivities.  But it's kind of beautiful to be someone tender once in awhile. And then, let's be honest, I get a good night's sleep and wonder what my deal was.  Then I hop, skip, and jump on my merry little way.  I am such an energetic and adventurous little thing that feeling any other way is so incongruent with my very nature.  I believe so firmly in getting out of stale shadows and just. being. happy.

And I have also ultimately learned to say - a time and a place. Many loose ends don't need to be tied.  Some questions will never be answered.  And the place for resolve is not here or now.  So you must take your shadows to the edge of town and leave them there.  And if you find them inching closer, gradually looming over you once again, ungrip and head on.  Full resolve is not always the way to peace.  Just let go.

People are rivers, always ready to move from one state of being into another.  It is not fair treat people as if they are finished beings.  Everyone is always becoming and unbecoming.   [Kathleen Winter]

Upward and onward,

Post Script Post-Out:  Cici is eating her dinner next to me.  It's quiet and then I hear, "That was weird.  I just licked my iPad."    hahahah!

And also a shout-out to my Sisterhood (Amy, Hilary, Jo, Jeni, Kami, Nora).  My band of women who stayed up with me into the morning hours talking, feeling fully at home and unified in their presence.  They make me feel like I can do anything!

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