And I wanna call you mine

10 November 2014

Of all the times I've made a concerted effort to write here about the ongoings of my life,  I haven't written much about RYAN. 

For starters, because how many times has my writing seen the journey of me and a man, and then one love saga after another, and some vital gear just isn't syncing.  So in the nighttime when all you people are sleeping, I come on here and cleverly remove or reword posts to completely exculpate said characters.  And, when I write about my relationships, I'd rile up my heart even more by choosing to channel the charm and allure.  I romanticize.  And I don't give as much heed to the smoking engine because my eyes are half blind.  So I chose to open the hood and push all the buttons before I showcased, ya know?  Make sure the ship is syncing.  Not sinking.   (har har).  Also, Ryan and I began a something-something the day I moved to a new city, so, time to write was also very minimal.

But I do want to write about him now.  Which should give air to how I am feeling about him even with no other words expressed.  I even want to go back and fill in the holes with my favorite adventures and moments with him.  Because it's been three months with this new human in my life.  That's three months for him to learn just how much a female can shed on his white couch, and he still begs me to come over.  So that should say something about how good we're doing.

So I decided to write at night, when my feelings are most surfaced.  That way I'll gush out all these emotions that I'll probably wake up tomorrow with an overshare hangover.  And maybe I'll attempt to re-script before anyone sees it.  But really I'll just leave it because love doesn't care.

So the thing about Ryan that captured me first - how secure he makes me feel.  This guy is consistent and reliable.  A doer, for sure.  And brilliant at that.  Never even heard of a quicker learner.  And he's not just skilled across the board, but a noted master in everything he puts his mind to.  People revere this guy for all this manly stuff like hunting and grilling.  And then I figured out his mastery at french braiding, sooo I got in on that.  Every job gets done with this man present, and it gets done well.

So in mere observance, I began to trust him.  I must have someone active and constant.  Dip a toe in. 

And then I discovered his openness and honesty and insanely committed and deeply affectionate love.  And truly, that's about when I lost my grounding and starting crying.  Sort of a lot.  Okay, yeah, like every day.  Because he loved me.  His feelings for me went really deep really quickAnd I told myself every day to trust all that he was expressing to me, because I don't believe it's fair to guard up, projecting someone else's violation onto someone else's well-intending heart.  And the only way to know if someone is trustworthy is to trust them.  So I remained open. But of course my mind started processing a lot of parallels from my divorce that weren't open, or honest, or constant, or true.  And the dissent between the two made his expressions soak in far deeper, creeping into cracks that were lined with residual, and extremely sensitive, pain.  Linings that have remained untouched and un-thought about for years because my personal efforts and lots of time could no longer reach them - only being intimate with a person who's love was committed enough.  So I went through the process of extracting the old to regenerate a new perception of love.  And sometimes I'd question him, under both our best intentions, if his feelings were really true and longlasting.  And he'd reassure me, and reassure me, and reassure me, and reassure me. 

And gradually, the cracks filled completely, and I trusted him fully.  I must have someone openly devoted and deeply loving.  Dip my toes in farther. 

And now, I won't say how much of my body has submerged in the water, but I will say - it's well passed my feet.  And I see these reigning qualities surface every time- a constant, active, and open love  So I finally say -

Sure, I'll shave my legs for that.

Upward and onward,

Image Source


  1. HEART EYES, HEART EYES, HEART EYES! I loooooove that he begs you to come over. So sweet! It's awesome that he's a doer. Over the years, that's the quality about Christian I think I've come to appreciate the most. It blesses our lives and marriage so much! I'm just SO so thrilled for you!

  2. Chantel! I know you're so busy, but I also know you just moved to SLC, and I was wondering, are you running these days? I am hurting for someone who wants to run with me, I'm up in the Avenues, are you close?

  3. It is astounding what people are capable of, when they find a relationship that makes them feel secure. About themselves, about their choices, about the life around them. This makes me so happy! So, so happy for you. Have you heard of Kintsugi?

    It reminds me of you. How you're filling in your empty spaces with goodness, to make something more beautiful than it would have been without first going through the damage.

  4. I seriously came down here to type out "heart eyes emoji" and someone up there already put it into words for me. I loved the openness/rawness of this post. You are brave for blogging your relationships. It's one vulnerability I haven't quite reached yet. But I love this.