Finally, this tunnel needed a light.

30 January 2015

I finally found the item I was looking for down a random grocery store aisle yesterday.  At the very very back of the top shelf.  So I did what any self-respecting female in a pencil skirt would do.  I put down my basket and climbed up all the shelves to reach way far back.

One jar of maraschino cherries.  FINALLY MINE.

Several weeks back, Ryan inquired how I will celebrate finding a new job.  I reply that I just want a maraschino cherry.  No, actually more than one.  lots of them.  a whole jar.  all of them at once.  I"M GOING TO EAT THE JAR.

"Alright," hhe says. "I think that's good..."

And then later my celebration turned into: "I want to go rock-climbing, and then I want to go to Idaho and watch The Croods with my brother, and then I want to go hiking in Moab!!!"  "Okay," he says, "We can do all of that."


"I think hiking is a good stopping place."

So, okay reader friend, sit down so I can tell you why I'm celebrating.  I only need 6 hours of your time.

I've been in the midst of transition and diverging roads for the last 4.5 months with my career.  Which really caused me to pull back from writing and social involvement, as all I had to offer was a cluttered mind over my confusing situation and unsure future.  All my conversations basically matched Ashley S. from the current season of The Bachelor (here).

Additionally, anytime life pushes someone to a place of movement, a degree of riling must occur first.  Ruffle the feathers.  Fire under the butt.  Apple dropping on the head.  You get the picture.  And the first response is not - "Oh how wonderful! Something just softly brushed my cheek and now I feel compelled to change my life."  More like - "@%*$!!!! What is going on here??"  Which again, pulled me back into a more quiet place to figure things out.

Remember how at the start of 2014 I was gungho about everything in the world  (here and here).  Really propelling myself forward in professional opportunities and just being a secure adult at large.  Propel forward I did.  I wooooorked.  But, it was like a never-ending game of resistance - swimming against the current, biking against the wind.  Lots of things happened, and lots of things just were how they were.

And I intuitively knew the expiration date of my job was coming in 2015.  A peaceful approach.  But when one accelerates their efforts, the conclusion accelerates too.  And after the great rush of this year, working myself in never-ending circles, my finale came abruptly after a single meeting on a Thursday in mid-September.  I walked out entirely numb.  Emptiness is probably the worst emotion.  And after staring motionless at my blank computer screen, feeling complete wrecked and exhausted, I knew.  I knew it was time to pack my knapsack and get on my way.

And now, holding that quiet and precious choice, the fierce demands and stress of my job only intensified.  Which made it all the worse.  Insane daily rigor + zero motivation = somewhere on the gradient of mild depression.

The whirlwind of emotions and increasing mounted stress of my job rammed me hard.  Pushing me into the purchase of sleeping pills and the download of every meditation app on the market.  And, also the urgent action towards finding a new career for myself.  Which included squeezing in job hunting at 5:30 am before work.  Timidly, aggressively, insecurely, impatiently, hopeful, fearfully.  And now I realize the timing of this whole career shift was a real setback during the holidays - people were a bit too preoccupied with the family time to care about ME!  I'm trying to pivot my life here, employers!!! Put down your ham and validate how qualified I am!

Also, job hunting is so unnerving because there is no clear next place.  No lockstep program.  No school guidance counselor to say - "you would fit nicely here."  It's a big world and it's SCARY.  I was running with only my determination and a blessing I received on that aforementioned Thursday where God told me I would find a good match for myself in time.  "WHEN?  WHERE?  WHOOOOO?  RSVP????"  I'm not sure why God doesn't answer my life questions on a party invitation because it would really help.


I am finally sharing all this now because I had another interview yesterday that I felt really good about.  The best yet. So I have some pending options ahead of me.  We'll see!  I sealed my peace at the temple last night, where I poured out some more pleadings to Heavenly Father, trying to wait so so so patiently - BUT ALSO HURRY.  Ultimately I feel a sort of mental clarity, assurance, and happiness that I haven't felt in awhile.

And then I went to the store to buy my celebration cherries.

So, that's what's been going on lately.  

Upward and onward,

"I let it go. It’s like swimming against the current. It exhausts you. After a while, whoever you are, you just have to let go, and the river brings you home."

"You don’t have to have it all figured out to move forwards."

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Morning FreeWrite | Waking up

29 January 2015

I saw this taxi on my way to work this morning.  "Car Drivers Wanted.  It doesn't get any better than this."  Okay, I don't want to be the naysayer here, but I THINK IT DOES GET BETTER THAN THAT.  The only real benefit I see down this is path is the supreme control of child lock.  Which could have a lot of benefits if you're into manipulation, which I am.

Also, after 8.5 years (starting from the moment I entered college), I am still having trouble giving up my expectation of every night being a full night of completely uninterrupted sleep.  5 am wake-up time to remind me of my shrunken bladder and chattering mind don't look good on me.  Is there a support group for this?  Melatonin Addicts Unite, perhaps?  Or maybe - Translucent Under-Eye-Skin People Whine A Lot.

Also, as I ran to my meeting this morning, an older gentlemen held the door open for me, remarking that it looked like I was running late.  Okay, ya know what, SIIRRRRR, I think the world should have a rule that says for every inch of hair you have, you get an extra five minutes of morning ready time.  Because frankly, I had to use 4 distinct hair products because it was washing day, and all you need for your bald head is like.. a Magic Eraser.

Mostly I am writing this free-write post because I'm trying to get my writing kernels popping again. 

Hashtag for my meeting that just ended:  #IForgotToListen

Okay bye.

Upward and onward,

Honesty Box | an indication

15 January 2015

I know my rush for achievement outweighs my avoidance of pain. Most evident by the way I bite my hangnails.

Upward and onward,