Mind over matter

27 August 2015

Back from our honeymoon!

Oh MAN.  The joy, happiness, liberty, and union I felt the entire week of our honeymoon is beyond a sustainable amount here on Earth.  But no doubt, last week is a short comparison to the insurmountable emotions and joys in the afterlife, and I hold tightly to that foreshadowing of an eternity with Ryan.  Indeed, he is the finest choice I have made so far in this life.  I am so proud to have him as my husband.  And ya know, I am proud of myself for knowing exactly where I excel as an individual, and where I step forward a little slower, and then using that self-awareness in dating to find someone who so masterfully expands my strengths and fills in the gaps of my follies.  Ryan.  Ahhhhhh.

I have been back in the swing of life now for four days.   Our flight landed late Sunday evening, and early Monday morning, Ryan and I hit the ground running.  Back to the responsibilities of everything we dropped as we held our wedding celebrations and then flew out of the country.  But okay, anxiety - it's a REAL thing for me.  A very real thing.  And so much happening for me this year - job changes and wedding and moving, Jamaica was such a perfect pause from it all!  And then, I come home and reality is like, "oh goodie!  You're back!"

The transition of being with Ryan in a paradise setting nonstop everyday and then back to office work.  Boo.  But also, a hand-delivered stack of disappointments arrived for me.  Which I try to play all victimy that life is purposefully stacking all these things together for me at once to save on postage, but really, everything is just feeling bigger in my brain than it really is.  Anxiety.  It's been a high-performance couple of months for me, not to mention a high-level year, so my mental and emotional resilience is quite diminished right now. 
For one, I had secured a contract with a fairly large client right before our honeymoon.  I was SUPER proud of myself.  Then when I came home, the terms of the contract were stated, and I felt stiffed.  Ultimately deciding that my unencumbered time had greater potential for earnings than being locked in with this client at a rate that I felt set precedent below what I am shooting for with my business.  I held my ground when talking to the participants of the negotiation about this.  Then went home and spilled the whole tale to Ryan, crying a little bit as I wondered if I did the right thing.  Ryan's Herculean response:  wrapped his arms all the way around me and said, "It really turns me on to see how much self-respect you have.  I LOVE that you value your time as much as you do.  I am so so proud of you."  Then he reminded me of a piece of advice I received from a counselor in my single's ward bishopric when I met with him about my new career pathway.  He told me, which Ryan reminded me of, that I always need to value my time.  I don't need to take scrap work that people offer me.  I can be as choosy as I want to pair with clients with a mutual value.  Ah.  Yes.  Now I see why he said that.  Because it's a tough spot to be to say, "Excuse me, you're minimizing my space.  Step back please.  I deserve more room than this."  And the outcome of it all is still pending, but most likely I won't be signing the contract.

And second, false pretenses do not fly with me.  Pretending to be a genuine comrade when some other motive is really on the table.  Oh, that really really receives my unwelcome.  So I halted that energy to say it won't find attachment with me and wished it well in another direction.  But still it stings to believe so strongly in integrity and be reminded that it's not always there.

So, all this space protection while I'm in transition.  Pushing people back.  Keeping my space open and safe.  It feels overly exhausting with my withered energy.  Though I hold tight to something Hannah once told me, after an email request for advice on assertiveness.  She told me it is okay to retrace your boundary lines in a bright red marker in someone's face.  People are well-intentioned, but they will step over your lines all the time, and Hannah said there is nothing wrong with making them bolder and darker.   I just want to be with Ryan all the time where there are no boundary lines.... So, I spent yesterday by myself, locked away from all of it.  I told Katie that I was trying to ship over some palm trees from Jamaica.  But instead, Devin shipped me a king-sized down comforter as a wedding gift, so I wrapped up in that wearing an oversized T-shirt and ate chocolate popsicles.  It was a comparable experience.

So, I'm easing the transition home with some higher actions.  On an early, sleepless morning this week - where Leslie and I texted to feel joy over the days we used to live together, and on my sleepless mornings, I used to crawl in her bed, curl up like a cat, and fall right back asleep - though, due to both of our decisions to get some husbands, we forsook those days - but I left my sleeping husband in the 6 am soft light, and I meandered out to the couch, deciding to read my scriptures by sunrise.  I've been in mid-beginning Alma lately.  And okay, King Ishmael was a real stick in the mud.  The character you want to push off his horse.  But of all the characters, his turnaround to the Gospel is in my top three.  If you want to read: 

"And it came to pass that after Aaron had expounded these things unto him, the king said: What shall I do that I may have this eternal life of which thou hast spoken? Yea, what shall I do that I may be born of God, having this wicked spirit rooted out of my breast, and receive his Spirit, that I may be filled with joy, that I may not be cast off at the last day? Behold, said he, I will give up all that I possess, yea, I will forsake my kingdom, that I may receive this great joy.  (Alma 22:15).  

I've been re-reading his humility for three days.  And that turned into a bright moment where I welded my testimony stronger regarding the benefits of scripture reading despite having a tight and overwhelmed mind.  I can speak to how reading the scriptures broadens your mind and disappointments strain right out the bottom.  I love the Gospel for offering me a bigger mind above all of that.  And also, I love Katie's advice that if I buy a green house, I can ship over some palm trees.

Here's to the beautiful, full-wheel of life.

"I’d rather look back at my life and know that I was brave instead of calculated."

Upward and onward,

The flight home from Jamaica :)

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  1. who said this quote: "I’d rather look back at my life and know that I was brave instead of calculated."
    I LOVE it!

  2. I needed to read this on about 7 different levels. I love you and your words so much! I can't even remember how the Internet made us find each other but I'm so glad it did. Your comment on my own blog made me laugh when you asked if I go on dates where at the end the guy is like THAT WAS SO FUN and i'm like "ehhh." TRUTH. I think I just like people to have a good time and feel engaged and comfortable so that seems to be the norm for me....I have a friend who is a therapist and she says guys will think their dates went sooOOOooo well when she really just feels like she sat through a therapy session. haha. Oh man. So back to your post...you said so many things about career + self respect that I really needed to hear, so THANK YOU. Right now at the end of my work day, I feel buoyed up. But mostly I love your commentary about Ryan. When I read your line about being proud to be married to him.....I don't know, it put into words something in my gut that confirmed a feeling I've been somewhat fighting about a current dating situation *not* being up to par. And not because of the way I'm being treated (I'm being treated very well), but more so because of just....a passion and a genuine interest that is lacking. I'm glad this is a safe space to comment where I'm away from eyes/ears that actually know me personally, haha. But thank you for your words and for sharing the specific ways that Ryan treats you AND inspires you AND admires your own inspiration. I needed to hear that because...I know I need it too. And now I'll end this novel :)