Shadows disappear in the light

06 September 2015

"My wish for you is that you continue. Continue to be who and how you are, to astonish a mean world with your acts of kindness. Continue to allow humor to lighten the burden of your tender heart."

~ Maya Angelou

Time certainly creates a gap from the most painful part of my past, and conscious additional healing is a turbo pack to make that gap bigger much faster.  But the past isn't gone, so inveitably moments will slip back in that are like a Joker's face popping down right in front of me shrieking, "REMEMBER ME!!"

Petrified and hollowed out in one second, I kept a smile on my face with the friend I was with, but really I was feeling as though my entire graveyard of trauma rose up and circled around me.  Darkness is purposefully designed to be far greater than we are, entirely overshadowing and towering.  That's the whole point.  To see if we believe we can become greater than it.  And of all the shapes of darkness that come to haunt me, this particular shadow that was triggered in conversation with a friend is my absolute tallest. 

To my best effort at remembering my proper coping mechanisms, my rationale left me to just a couple meager ideas.

I should find my ax!  And then probably hatchet his house while screaming, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME???"

Oh, or maybe me + an entire pack of Costco muffins + a dark theater.

But instead I called Ryan.  Which proved to be the best of the three options.  He's away hunting for the weekend and has been without cell service for almost a day and half.  But this morning, I am able to reach him.

I tell Ryan the situation, really the additional information I learned, and how I feel so confused and hurt.  And he immediately begins processing the experience with me.  Talking through what emotions I am probably feeling, giving his own consensus on the injustice and the pain.  And I love hearing him talk through things because he is so well-thought out and articulate and expresses things better than I even could have.  "Exactly, Ryan, that's exactly it!!"  His validation and emotional support is of the best I have known, and it is SUCH a blessing to me.  I am truly lucky to have this man.  Not even as my husband, but just as a presence in my life.

Then he shares with me an experience in his life when he felt similar.  I validate him, and we talk about these Comfort Stories we create about the people who have hurt us the absolute most.  A Comfort Story that offers a reason for why they did what they did, something that helps dull our own pain a bit.  But when our Comfort Stories cease to be true in light of new information or circumstance, our shield crumbles and we are drawn back into the tumult.  So Ryan talks to me about how anyone in this situation would feel extremely confused and hurt and that truly I am in a really good place of healing.  "You're doing so well," he says!  Then we agree that I must honor the times of healing that will come back into my life on occasion.  I must not believe them to be permanent, but I must also not believe them to be irrelevant.  They just are.  Then he must leave to go back into the mountains, and we say our goodbyes.

I cry because this darkness is sad for me.  But I also cry because I'm a newlywed who has been blessed with a very good man.

Then I tuck my alternative bible underneath my real one and head off to church (You Can Heal Your Life).  And I read it intermittently through all of the three hour block, texting Heidi that this is it.  This is THE Healing Book, after she asked me earlier this summer what is the best book to read after post-betrayal trauma.  Though I was drawn away from my reading for a second because a good spoonerism always gets my attention - the RS teacher rubbed her arm saying, "I have boosegumps."  I howled, while no one else even peeped.  Haha!  That was a good one.

Anyway, this book grounds me and expands me back to the beauty and wholeness of myself faster than any other book.  The author speaks of taking charge of your healing through affirmations.  A way to lay claim to your reality in this moment with present grounding statements.  I decide to do that for myself.  My list is as follows:

I love and approve of myself. 


Everything with my business is working out for my highest good. 
I am becoming my best self. 
I am learning and growing so wise. 
My love for Ryan is endless and flows freely. 
I feel close to my Father in Heaven, and I recognize and feel my Savior's sacrifice. 
I am healthy and my body is so happy.
I love being alive and nature brings me such joy to God.
So many adventures and humor come to me abundantly.
I handle all situations well. I am good with words, and I feel so much love and compassion for others.
I am a joy to be around. I am fulfilling my space on this earth, and my presence is received so well! 
My future is so abundant, and I am excited to greet it as it comes!
People mean well and I can trust them.
My friends are so fun and generous, and I always feel their support.
I am so grateful for Ryan and my energy always emits my value and respect for him.
God has blessed me immensely for going through this trial, and the universe partners as my ally to bring those blessings to mind.
With my value of writing honestly, I am full of courage and freedom to freely express.
I rise over mountain after mountain, and I never falter.

Wow, that yields incredible results!  Up comes all the light within.  Here's to a healing knapsack absent of hatchets and muffin platters, and climbing clean over the darkness that started out so big and tall.

Upward and onward,

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